Homeschooling Blog

Along the top of this blog, you will see some links.

One of them says "Sonny Skye Homeschool."

This link will take you to my blog for homeschooling adventures.

Just one of the new additions.

I don't want to be a mom blogger.

I've been a little quiet as of lately, and I have been hiding out reading blogs rather than writing them.

It's not because I don't love writing or blogging, and it isn't ONLY because my life is a constant uphill battle. It's because I am not happy with being a "mom" blogger. 

Initially, I thought, well of course I have to write about "mom" stuff like saving money, going on Pinterest, funny ish my kid says, etc. because I am a mom. I feel like me being a mom is the greatest thing about me. However, despite the fact that I am a mom, I am not a "traditional" mom and I really hate reading about all the "other" moms and their petty crap. 

I tell my daughter stories about Queens and Goddesses, and allow her to express herself by running barefoot outside and choosing her own outfits. Yes, even when she specifically chooses two different types of shoes (including one on the wrong foot) and says "Mom, I don't want to match." She watches what we watch and that includes Chappie and NASA documentaries. She goes where we go, which is everywhere, and never to a babysitters. She walks through downtown arthops and into the bars during the daylight to watch dubstep djs perform. She knows the correct names for her body parts and for boy parts as well. I don't baby her. I don't allow her to cry when another kid takes a toy from her. I don't let her freak out when she falls down, because she's stronger than that. We don't punish her, and I don't watch my mouth around her. She uses all the dollar tree sprinkles making pretend cakes in the cake pans late at night, and we sometimes take walks at ten or eleven o'clock at night when the moon looks nice.

What I cannot continue to do is portray myself as the mom blogger who does normal activities with their normally hyper toddler. I am not average, neither is Autumn and I'm sick of reading boring mom blogs. I need to write about the different things in my life. The things that interest me besides pinterest bubbles and healthy recipes. The issues that matter to me, like politics and the environment. I include Autumn in everything I do, so I guess I could still be a "mom blogger" but I refuse to fall into the rabbit hole of mom blogs that tell you "what to do, what not to do, and what you're doing right/wrong." 

Although, I appreciate all the other mom's in my blogging groups for reading and commenting on my blog when I first began, I just can't keep up in the blogging for ten cents a month from advertising world. I'm not trying to generate traffic for pennies. I'm trying to share my words, and hopefully find a few people who make me not feel so alone.

So with that I am leaving you with a list of things I CANNOT STAND about the blogging community and the news that I am rebranding the entire blog, and will hereby no longer be following standard "mom blog" rules, because I don't have to, and because I am more than an overworked, stressed out, mom with a mission. I am a woman, and I have given birth to a little Goddess, and we enjoy being different.

Things I CANNOT STAND about blogging and mom bloggers:

1. "Mommy Wars"- As much as I can't stand mom's nitpicking at each other’s parenting techniques, I really can't stand the moms who whine about mommy wars either. We as women ALLOW the mommy wars to happen. Some mom's enjoy being the protagonist and loves to stir up strong worded blogs from the other side. But some mom's love to be the "heroes" and "peaceful" ones by criticizing other mom's for creating competition. I'm sick of it. We are all women. We all need to respect each other's wishes for our own children. Try saying this: "I am in charge of my own decisions. Her decisions were made by her, and for her own children, and not mine. She is a woman, just as I am. She is a mother, just as I am. I will not judge her for what she says or what she does because it has no effect on me or my children."

Because guess what? It doesn't affect you. 

2. Blog link ups - nobody cares about what the other person wrote. One mom was over there writing about her republican views while I was over here writing about being fat. That mom doesn't care one bit, but because of this stupid link up, here she is, one of my 5 readers of the day, and she couldn't care less. I'm not into blogging because I get lots of people to read my writing or that I could make money off of ads. I care about people reading what I write and understanding a part of me- or learning something new. I don't want to read about someone making a bench, because frankly, I will never make a bench, no matter how cool it looks. I will go buy a bench. And maybe not even that. I don't think I even need a bench. I feel terrible promoting a blog post I *barely* skimmed because it bored me to death and then wrote some generic comment like "How cool! It looks great! I'll use these tips in the future!" because that's what they requested in the link up. It's fake. It's lame. and I get no real readers that way.

3. Stay at Home Mom Blogs- maybe its jealousy, but I doubt it. I've been there, and definitely understand how hard it is. However, seeing all these "I'm so lonely and all I do is talk to a toddler but I'm so happy my kids are finally back in school so I can be alone" posts are killing me. I know it's hard. I know a whole lot about loneliness. I know a lot about depression. I do. I've written blogs about it. I just can't continue to read about your oh so terrible life- especially when your blog looks amazing, and you are constantly online.... either someone is helping you watch that terrible toddler you're talking about or you completely ignore them for hours on end. Like I said, I get it. It's not all sunshine and rainbows- and it gets daunting- but come on. Do you know how many mother's would just DIE of happiness if they were able to get to actually be with their kids and watch them grow instead of spending 40+ hours a week trying to make a living? Stop complaining. You have the best gift of all- your kids- all the time. 

Sorry, not sorry, if this struck a chord with anyone, but I just can't do this type of blogging anymore. I'll be revamping and personalizing this blog to be more like myself- but until then- best of luck.

Depression.

I've been seeng a lot of supportive and positive messages towards mental illness as of lately, so I feel comfortable writing this.

Depression and anxiety sucks.

As much as everyone wants to tell me nothing is wrong with me or that the way I feel is normal, they don't get it. Yeah sure, I may cover it up really well, but I have breakdowns at home weekly. These "breakdowns" happen when the last straw breaks the camels back. That last event that causes me to cry, pull my hair, slam things, and go chain smoke five cigarettes. That "event" may of been me stepping in something sticky when I came home. Or the house being hot. Or because the bathtub is still full of water from Autumn's bath. Or it could be the way someone said my name. It may even be my own child's touch that pushes me over the edge.

Yes, it's shitty that sometimes my anxiety is so high that Autumn touching me makes me freak out. I've learned to hold it in for the most part, because I really sincerely love Autumn's hugs and kisses, it's just sometimes that bitch named anxiety tells me I hate it.

Sometimes I feel like nobody gives a damn about me.I feel alone. I feel like everyone is against me. I get so mad that all of the "nice" and "thoughtful" things that someone has done for me seem like ways to keep me from bitching, not signs of affection. I even get so low as to believe my child actually hates me and has a personal vendetta against me.

There are mornings I wake up and the whole world looks like different shades of grey (and in a totally depressing and not kinky way.) I instantly hate everything. I hate the drive to work, my coffee tastes gross, and every single caller I get at work is a nuisance who shouldn't be calling- even that lady calling about her cancer treatments.

This depression and anxiety makes me an asshole. I hate who it makes me. I'm a non judgemental, live & let live, loving, friendly, adventurous, happy person. Or so I thought.

Then there are good days. I feel so energetic and so excited for the future. I feel like I can conquer my goals and succeed in being who I want to be. But it just takes one "event," that moment that is unrecognized by any other person but me.

It affects my writing. The depression doesn't allow me to write. I want to write sometimes about some witty and cute thing Autumn did, but my brain is discouraged by the cloud of depression. I get anxiety thinking about what people think of me when they read my blog. Funny thing is, I don't give a flying hoot what anyone thinks of me. My fat ass goes to the water park every other day in a tankini. I have fun with my kid and I am comfortable and cool! What peopel think about me is never a thought on my mind out there. So why do I sometimes care what people think about me?

It affects how I parent. Anxiety tells me that Autumn's toddler behavior is a result of bad parenting and letting her be "too free range" even though I whole heartedly believe in the way we are raising her. So I yell and put her in time out, which is confusing for a kid. Then I feel more like a jerk for being such a spaz.

It affects my friendships. Depression tells me that my friends are in a different place than I am, and that they've moved on and replaced me. I know this isn't true, because my friends are my family. They're there for me like one of my blood. However, depression is very convincing and always creeps up as anxiety is telling me all the horrible things that will happen to my child when I'm away with friends. Then, I'll feel guilt forever because I should've been with her instead of my friends.

It affects my relationship because I blame how I am on them. Is our relationship healthy? I wouldn't say it is. But I will say it'd be a lot healthier if I took accountability for the decisions I make instead of blaming them on him. Does he understand? Not really. This isn't how I was ten years ago when I met him, and somewhere in  between having a kid, living together, not living together,  and going back to full time work- this is who I've become. Would I love to be best friends again? Yes. Do I think he'll understand I'm not just being an asshole, but I'm actually drowning? I don't think so. But that may be depression again.

I want to be me again.
I want to be me all the time, not just when my pain is napping.
I want to be happy all the time, because frankly, some of the time is not cutting it.

It's like sleepwalking through a quarter of my life. Another quarter is like I'm being chased by a T-Rex, and in constant danger. The third quarter feels as if there are bullies in my head putting me down after every thought forms. Finally, I have one more quarter of my life where I can be myself and be happy.

I want to be myself 100% of the time, and I'm working on it. Blogging helps. Talking helps. Family helps. Friends help. Planning things help. Eating better and drinking more water helps. But I'm not quite there yet.

I'm not on medication and I'm not currently seeing a professional because of work hours. At the end of September I will be able to set up time for behavioral health so I can start seeing a shrink. However, I don't feel like they can help me. I've tried and I've been diagnosed. I've been diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar, Depression, &Anxiety. But I was prescribed lithium, two mood stabilizers, and xanax after one 45 minute visit and we didn't even talk about the real issues. I'm weary but maybe medication is what I need right now.

I'll update with how I'm doing, but for now, I'm just trying to live day by day and surround myself with people who understand and love me. For many of my friends this is all unspoken knowledge. I have always been the crazy one - but before it was mosh pit, dance with strangers, run through the graveyard at night crazy. Now it's cry alone, ignore invites, and freak out because it's too hot or crowded crazy.

Thank you for this of you who silently support me even when I don't talk about it. And for the friends who never ask me to explain myself. Love you guys.

Photo cred to: dezandcarol.com/depression

August Challenge!

For this month, I've assigned myself three challenges.

One- The Plank Challenge: This one is really hard for me. TMI: They hurt my c-section scar. It's been 3 years and it still hurts. Ugh. Anyway, I'm determined to make myself stronger.

Two- 30 Days of new recipes. Actually 27 days, because I'm getting a late start. I love Pinterest because I've gotten so many awesome ideas from friends, however, I'm more of a Pinterest Fail kinda person. I'm whole heartedly excited to try new recipes as I love cooking, I'm just usually not good at it. I will keep you guys updated!

Three- Create a preschool lesson plan for Autumn. Since I plan on homeschooling her, I need to get started since she just turned three!

What about you guys? Any challenges you are giving yourself? Let me know!

No! I don't want anymore kids.

I'm not saying it's forever.
I just don't want another one.
I don't think I ever will, but you never say never.

Autumn is cute. She's beautiful, actually. She's a big ball of freakin' sunshine... to everyone else. She's always happy (unless she's mad) and she's very quirky. I'll be honest, my kid is magnetic. People love to be around her. They spend some time with her and then they ask "Are you having anymore?"

I laugh. The biggest, sarcastic, mean laugh that I can muster, and respond "Are you kidding me? Never. Nope. Heeellllll no."

I always get the "look" (you know that "you make adorable babies please make more" look) and they proceed to tell me WHY I need another kid:

1. "But she's sooooo cute" (...and evil)
2. "She needs a sibling, she'll get lonely." (...or get less attention)
3.  "You're going to miss her being a baby." (...really? I was dying for the day she could walk while holding my hand so I wouldn't have to carry her while I did everything)
4. "You need a boy!" (psssh. Like I have the money for genetic modification to make this happen.)
... and the oddest one I've heard:
5. "But I had a dream you had 4 kids!" (because I should just hop on board to make your premonition come true, right?)

Although all of these are very good reasons (sarcasm)  to have another child, here are my serious (kinda) reasons as to why I don't want to and probably won't do it again:

1. Pregnancy sucks. It sucks ass. Some women are super cute, bubbly, and glowing.... not me. I hated everything about it. I didn't look pregnant til, like, 3 days before my due date. So I just looked like a really whiney fat person the whole time. Also, the pain from the first trimester was God awful. I would complain to the doctor and he would tell me it's my uterus growing. Well, your uterus growing is like cramps on 'roids and it sucks. Also, I carried so low the whole time that by 6 months, even though I didn't look pregnant, I felt very pregnant and very heavy. This caused tremendous cramps, which the doctor told me was just my ligaments stretching. All of this body stretching and growing sucks. Not fun. Also the ultrasounds... yeah those suck too. You know why? Because you're bladder is full with a million ounces of water and you have to hold it while waiting for the xray tech to be ready, and of course, the little baby in your uterus is jumping on it the whole time. Then, the doctor pushes and shoves on your bladder region. I peed a little one time. It was equal amounts of embarassing and gross.

2. My labor still traumatizes me and my birth still causes pain. I went into labor on the 27th of July. I started feeling the pain on the night of the 26th, but I was ready to go to the hospital on the 27th. I got to the hospital and my water broke. They put me in a room and convinced me to get an epidural. I swear to you, every intention I had was a natural birth with NO epidural. However, they told me I'd be too tired to push since I was up all night in pain. So, exhausted I got the epdirual early in the day. The epidural stopped my contractions. The doctor didn't want to induce them because "there were too many women in labor and no on-call delivery doctors." The epdirual freaked me out and I had them turn it off. I didn't like the feeling of not feeling. So basically, I got the epidural, it stopped my labor, and I hated the way it felt so I turned it off and went back to feeling pain. For nothing. Then, I fell asleep in between contractions. The next morning, the doctor says "ok! we have more staff!" and gives me petocin to start my contractions again. I start contracting. I start pushing. I push for almost 8 hours on and off. NO baby. While she was sitting in a dry womb that, at one point, was pushing her out, and then, wasn't pushing her out. This caused her to turn "sunny side up." Apparently, babies only come out face down, which was news to me. I kept trying to push and her heart rate dropped so they had to whisk me off to emergency c-section. Horrifying. I couldn't hold her. I couldn't be with her. I had to just lie there, while hearing the doctor tell me he "couldn't stop the bleeding." Dead. I'm pretty sure at some point I left my body.

3. I can't handle more than one Autumn. Or one angel child plus Autumn. I actually can't even deal with Autumn, some days. There are moms out there who are able to spread themselves equally to each child, whereas I can't even spread my love to anyone besides her. Two days after she was born I just looked at her dad and told him that I really didn't think I had enough love in me to love anyone else besides her, including him. Also, I don't have the patience for anything besides her. I mean I barely have the patience for her... so.... yeah. No more kids, please. I would probably have a complete melt down. I have pretty bad anxiety and I sometimes feel myself seperating from sanity as it is. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be nice to bring another kid into this. She's hyper and loud, and makes me batty. I think if my next child was a saint, they'd be ignored while I tended to Autumn's antics or if they were just as "eccentric" as Autumn, I'd die.

4. It's not financially responsible. I can make it on my own but I have a 2002 car and I'm living in a *decent* part of town in a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. By *decent* I mean I don't technically live in the hood, I like to consider it "historical" however, my mom saw my apartment and said "Brittany! If I would've seen this before you moved I would have told you not to move." Also, she will text me when she hears "booms" from my Grandma's house who lives a few blocks away. But really, it's not that bad. We have really nice neighbors who keep an eye on our place and I haven't seen any real crime besides bums loitering by the no loitering sign. Right now, Autumn does have everything she could ever want and more. Plus, I'm able to pay my bills without things getting shut off and such. However, not having to pay for baby food, possibly formula, diapers, and wipes is such a relief. I can't imagine doing it all over again. 

6. I really am not a huge fan of kids. I love my kid, because, you know, she's cool. However, she's very different from other kids. What if I have another kid and they're a boring or annoying kid?! I mean, I wouldn't be mean, and I would still love them, but my kid is really awesome! She does funny stuff and has such a crazy personality. Other kids are just... kids. Some may be cute, and some may be funny, but Autumn is a nutcase, and I love her that way. The more kids I have means more friends for them when they get older... more school functions.... more birtday parties... NO! No more kids. I seriously was an outcast for so much of my elementary years because I just really didn't get along with kids. 



Lately, Autumn has been requesting a new baby sister of me, and  I just can't.
Although when she started asking two weeks ago, I thought it was cute... at first.
Then I saw her put her baby doll in a plastic bag and shove it in a drawer, telling it to "stop crying" and my mind returned to "Hell no."