Relationships.

"Relationships are not equal. Never expect them to be."

Relationships are hard to maintain. They are difficult. They require give and they require take. Relationships also give you support and trust. Healthy relationships provide you with a bond that is stronger than the obstacles you would face alone. So, what is the key to a healthy relationship? Is there a perfect relationship? Are we in a generation that has lost the recipe? 

Coming from me it may seem as a joke. People who know me would understand when I say, I've had/have my share of unhealthy relationships. However, because of my past and present experiences I have quite a bit of knowledge of what makes an unhealthy relationship. This has led me to doing research and talking it over with therapists. What I have learned is close to comical- because it's all common sense. It's some of those things that are much easier said than done.

The key to a healthy relationship is to understand expectation. Understand what you are expecting from someone else. Start here, and then travel to understanding if that person is capable of what you expect from them. Understand that you should never expect to receive equal or greater to what you have given. Sometimes, the person that you have a relationship with needs more support than you do. This may last a day or it may last months. Understand that, and do not expect to be given the same amount of support during this time. Give love and support selflessly and willingly. If you find yourself in a relationship thinking "I'm going to support him/her because I know he/she will have my back later when I need it," you're doing it wrong. You give him/her love and support because they need it, not because you will too, one day. Of course people will argue that there are people who always need support and are never willing to provide any, no matter how selfless you act. Yes, there are those people who are never-ending pits of energy. You keep throwing yourself at them and it starts to affect your own well-being. This is when you end a relationship. If you can't trust this individual with also understanding what they are expecting from you, then you can't trust them in a relationship.

Also remember, that there are no perfect relationships. We are human, and we are error. Can you strive for perfection? Go for it. But life moves quickly and sometimes it causes happiness and at times it causes pain. Life is unscripted and we need to understand this. All the understanding and communication in the world cannot prevent the unexpected from happening. You may provide support selflessly yet still fall short because you've been exhausted from work. You may communicate why you're upset and still be so hurt that you insult the one who has upset you. You may be so overwhelmed that you forget that the person you are expecting to save you- cannot- because they are currently trying to save themselves. That is ok. Life happens.  

As life goes on, we have multiple generations that are in personal relationships. We've been told that our generation doesn't have communication skills because of technology. Is this the reason so many of us feel alone or mentally ill? Are our relationships weakened by the lack of interpersonal communication? I've read upwards to 100 articles on how technology has either increased or decreased the communication skills that we have, but technology isn't the problem. Technology has increased the means to communication. We can instantly update our friends/loved ones with news, photos, support, etc. How we use technology is the problem. We have a problem with Moral. We have a problem with addiction. We have a problem with instant gratification. So sure, we can use our smart phones to talk to ex-boyfriends or girlfriends- or we can use them to send messages to our friends to let them know they're on our minds. It's extremely easy to use our phones as a tool for our addiction to gossip- or we can use it to read and share the positive in our lives. Sure, we could post photos of what we are doing so that everyone can commend us in real time- or we can enjoy the moment, snap some photos, and post later. It's all in our mentality. It's in how we define our relationships, and what we want and what we are expecting from each other. 

Do you often expect your other half to support you in ways they really can't? Do you expect your friend to be the first one to invite you out- and never invite them? Do you expect a coworker to help you with your workload without considering their workload? What are you doing to improve your relationships?

Comment below and let me know!

Book Review: Love The One You're With by Emily Griffin

One of my favorite parts of going to a thrift store is buying books. I love books but don't always have the dough to purchase them brand new. I never know what I'll find or what the books are about, I just pick them up and hoard them until I need a new book.

I recently finished reading Book One of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin- otherwise known as GAME OF THRONES!!! 

So before I continued on in my quest of hefty, dark, serious, mysterious books, I chose one that looked a little more light-hearted. Monday I started reading Love The One You're With by Emily Griffin and just finished a few moments ago.

 To buy the book, click here.

The story is set in New York, mostly, and there are some important parts that are set in Georgia as well. The story unravels one woman's idea of love, lust, fate, and "true love." It's sweet, simple, and at times redundant. I did actually enjoy the read, but I couldn't help but feel like it was slightly adolescent for a topic so rooted in adult feelings. The woman, by the name of Ellen, is married to a wealthy lawyer from Atlanta, Georgia. His family is the proper southern "how do you do" type of folk with a totally intact family. She is a Photographer from Pittsburgh who lost her mother in her young teen years. She met said husband after a brutal break up with a New York journalist. Her husband is actually the brother to her best friend Margot who is also a swanky southern belle with all the perfect trimmings of a young lady. Despite her vanity and controlling attitude, Margot is actually a great friend and humble woman. 

After years of relationship with Andy, whom is her golf playing, rich, lawyer husband, she runs into Leo on the streets of New York. Since her relationship never got closure and he had been her first love, she becomes obsessed with him and begins to feel like he was "the one" and that she settled with Andy. This becomes apparent as the story unfolds. She did settle with Andy because not a single thing is wrong with him. He's rich but humble, he's handsome but not vain, he's perfect but not arrogant. He dotes on Ellen, he's wiling to provide her with anything she wants or desires. However, she feels a lack of tension between them, and she feels something so much more electric with Leo.

As time goes by the story takes us to Atlanta, where she becomes the stay at home wife in a large and costly home. Andy joins the family practice and plays golf with "the guys." She's left to entertain guest and sit alone while her best friend is pregnant in the same town, but somehow such a distance away. Motherhood being the center of Margo's world, and Andy back in his home territory leaves Ellen feeling suffocated and alone. So she begins to use Leo as the escape route, always wondering "What if? "

I won't let you know what happens in the end, but it's a pretty quick read. I only read when I'm at work, since it is my safe haven for books. Reading with a two-and-a-half year old is not possible. I read in between projects at work, and on breaks. 

Trying to find the silver lining...

I was a good, obedient child. I didn't curse at my parents or tell them no. Actually, I don't recall ever being disciplined, because it wasn't necessary. My parents weren't strict, but I just followed the rules that were given to me. I enjoyed receiving instructions, and it made me feel content knowing that I successfully completed the tasks at hand. I always did well in school because of this. I actually was excited to receive to-do list, as I still am today. I liked to organize my toys into the correct areas of my room, I loved organizing book shelves in alphabetical order, I cleaned my room before I left so that I could return to a clean room, and I was absolutely thrilled at the opportunity to help grandparents with spring cleaning!

SO how the hell did I end up with Terrance? When I was 16, I was invited to his house to meet his mom. He wanted to show me his "music studio" in his room. When he opened that door, I should have ran. I should have ran back to my Honda Accord and sped home. I remember him having to push the door pretty hard to open it all the way. There were laundry baskets, shoes, books, Cd's, empty Arizona Iced Tea cans, and who knows what else. I honestly didn't know where his bed was. Come to find out, it was a daybed, which had collapsed (no doubt under the weight of trash) and was safely located under his entire wardrobe despite the 5 foot tall wooden dresser that was also in the room.

I remember one night, a few years into our relationship, I was keeping his mom company since he was working overnight. She had mentioned how she was, rightfully so, disgusted by his room. She was concerned about her parenting telling me she "didn't raise him like that." I think she was irritated by her messy son and also a little embarrassed. That night, I drank a rock star and stayed up til 5 am cleaning his room. I thought this would delightfully surprise him and make his mother happy as well. Well, I was wrong.

He tried to hide his upset, but I could see right through it. I asked him why it made him upset that I cleaned his room. I had figured he was just so busy with school and work (and of course being a boy since school and work never deterred me from keeping my apartment clean.) He said it was his mess. It was his organized chaos. He said he now knew where nothing was! I was in disbelief! I showed him where everything was, and that it was organized and would always be in the right spot, so long as he put it back. This meant nothing to him. He thanked me for trying, but it was an empty appreciation, and it was disheartening. I left it at that, and I never tried to clean his room again- until I moved in with him a year later.

I was helping him pack and when I opened his closet, it was filled with trash and underneath that trash was a laundry basket. I had never smelled anything that bad. As I was digging through it I found a broken bong that had leaked bong water onto this pile of clothes. If you have never smelled bong water, let alone, moldy bong water clothes, you've never smelled anything this bad. I was disgusted. I probably should have backed out then. But I held my nose closed and tried not to puke while I shoved it all in a trash bag and demanded that he take it to the trash, stat.

Almost ten years later, we have a two year old, who is EXACTLY like him. When it's shower/bath time, I follow them through the house and pick up two pairs of pants, two pairs of underwear, two pairs of shoes, two pairs of socks, and two shirts. Every night. Oh, and just shoot me if they decided to get creative. There is paper, paint, glitter, pieces of paper, crayons, markers, etc. on the table, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the living room, and under the blanket in the bed. It drives me batty. Terrance is the kind of person that will go left if you tell them to go right, because they think you're keeping them from some magical adventure by having them go right. He thinks that rules of the road are merely suggestions. He believes in aliens and becoming enlightened and that desk jobs are for corporate slaves. Autumn feels that she is the queen of the world and that when she wants something done a certain way, it must be done this way. She does not waste her day doing peasant things like picking up the three totes full of toys that she has dumped out. Her royal highness is much too busy to worry about the paint that has found it's way into her hair, or the pieces of jello that have managed to get stuck in her underwear. She actually tells me "No mom, I'm too busy." I don't tell my daughter that I'm "too busy" to do something, because she will MAKE me stop what I am doing to pay attention to her if I don't immediately stop. I don't know where she learned it, but she did.

I have two children to care for now, and both of them are driving me absolutely insane. They're alive and they are well, even after all the stress they've put me through. They are careless and they are destructive, and they are messy, but they are alive. That's all that matters, right? Because sometimes when they've finally managed to wear each other out and are cuddled on the couch I watch them sleep and thing that I could never live my life without them. Yet, sometimes when they're pushing every button and getting on every one of my nerves, I just want a fairy god mother who would turn them into mice, or something small I could keep contained in a cage. I'm just trying to find the silver linings so that I can keep that image in my head when I'm about to implode.

I tell myself, be thankful he's alive, because he has acute kidney failure and was hit by a car last year. He managed to make it out with just a broken leg and a bruised rib. Then the other part of me says he's an idiot for jay walking. Autumn broke her leg around the same time, by jumping off of the same couch I yelled at her not to for months. Part of me is so happy it was just a broken leg, and not a fractured skull. The other part wants to strangle her for being such a defiant dare devil. How does one keep the positive in the forefront of their mind without pulling all the negative feelings that come with a situation? Help! I'm living in chaos and the longer I'm around it, the more I realize there is nothing that can be done. This is who they are. They lack inhibition, they lack fear, they lack organization, where I lack creativity and spontaneity.

I wish I could be that cool breeze of a person who just rolls with the punches and happily cleans up after their artistic family while cherishing the moment that they're able to experience. I wish I could say "Oh yes Autumn, that painting on the wall of a power ranger helmet is beautiful, I think I'll let it stay there until you fall asleep." Alas, I cannot. My blood pressure rises and I get irritated and she sees it. She asks me "What's wrong mama? I'm sorry I make a mess." She doesn't even know she's making the mess, she thinks she's drawing a masterpiece, and then feels bad when I start to lose my shit. I hate surprises, I hate when things don't go according to plan, and I hate messes more than anything. I can't sit and watch a TV show if the living room is a mess. I have to clean it before I sit down. Even if I'm exhausted. I just have to rearrange the pillows on the couch so it looks like it's supposed to. I have to move the cable box so that it's centered on top of the TV stand, or it bothers me. I have to put all the correct toys in the correct bins or they stare at me while I'm staring at the TV, and it makes me cringe.

I think it's time I seek therapy. It's either I get it under control or I get rid of the two people I love the most. Could Terrance be more supportive? Absolutely. But I think the way I see him as insane for appreciating the chaos that his messes are is as insane he sees me for flipping out every time something is moved from it's designated area. So, I'll work on the only thing I have control over- myself, and see how that goes first.