Relationships.

"Relationships are not equal. Never expect them to be."

Relationships are hard to maintain. They are difficult. They require give and they require take. Relationships also give you support and trust. Healthy relationships provide you with a bond that is stronger than the obstacles you would face alone. So, what is the key to a healthy relationship? Is there a perfect relationship? Are we in a generation that has lost the recipe? 

Coming from me it may seem as a joke. People who know me would understand when I say, I've had/have my share of unhealthy relationships. However, because of my past and present experiences I have quite a bit of knowledge of what makes an unhealthy relationship. This has led me to doing research and talking it over with therapists. What I have learned is close to comical- because it's all common sense. It's some of those things that are much easier said than done.

The key to a healthy relationship is to understand expectation. Understand what you are expecting from someone else. Start here, and then travel to understanding if that person is capable of what you expect from them. Understand that you should never expect to receive equal or greater to what you have given. Sometimes, the person that you have a relationship with needs more support than you do. This may last a day or it may last months. Understand that, and do not expect to be given the same amount of support during this time. Give love and support selflessly and willingly. If you find yourself in a relationship thinking "I'm going to support him/her because I know he/she will have my back later when I need it," you're doing it wrong. You give him/her love and support because they need it, not because you will too, one day. Of course people will argue that there are people who always need support and are never willing to provide any, no matter how selfless you act. Yes, there are those people who are never-ending pits of energy. You keep throwing yourself at them and it starts to affect your own well-being. This is when you end a relationship. If you can't trust this individual with also understanding what they are expecting from you, then you can't trust them in a relationship.

Also remember, that there are no perfect relationships. We are human, and we are error. Can you strive for perfection? Go for it. But life moves quickly and sometimes it causes happiness and at times it causes pain. Life is unscripted and we need to understand this. All the understanding and communication in the world cannot prevent the unexpected from happening. You may provide support selflessly yet still fall short because you've been exhausted from work. You may communicate why you're upset and still be so hurt that you insult the one who has upset you. You may be so overwhelmed that you forget that the person you are expecting to save you- cannot- because they are currently trying to save themselves. That is ok. Life happens.  

As life goes on, we have multiple generations that are in personal relationships. We've been told that our generation doesn't have communication skills because of technology. Is this the reason so many of us feel alone or mentally ill? Are our relationships weakened by the lack of interpersonal communication? I've read upwards to 100 articles on how technology has either increased or decreased the communication skills that we have, but technology isn't the problem. Technology has increased the means to communication. We can instantly update our friends/loved ones with news, photos, support, etc. How we use technology is the problem. We have a problem with Moral. We have a problem with addiction. We have a problem with instant gratification. So sure, we can use our smart phones to talk to ex-boyfriends or girlfriends- or we can use them to send messages to our friends to let them know they're on our minds. It's extremely easy to use our phones as a tool for our addiction to gossip- or we can use it to read and share the positive in our lives. Sure, we could post photos of what we are doing so that everyone can commend us in real time- or we can enjoy the moment, snap some photos, and post later. It's all in our mentality. It's in how we define our relationships, and what we want and what we are expecting from each other. 

Do you often expect your other half to support you in ways they really can't? Do you expect your friend to be the first one to invite you out- and never invite them? Do you expect a coworker to help you with your workload without considering their workload? What are you doing to improve your relationships?

Comment below and let me know!

5 Tips for Showing Your Daughter You Love Them.

I live for my daughter. I do. I have given up all of the reckless, selfish, really fun, parts of me from my past in order to become a mother and a positive influence for my daughter. I'm not saying I'm not a lot of fun now, because I am! I'm just not drunk dancing, late night beach trips, losing my shoes fun. I'm making play dough, making cakes, making crafts fun. But I don't hate it. I love it, actually. I felt like I had to shed the negative away to embrace this positive little being that was my baby. However, despite the change, and regardless of the number of hours I work, no matter how many times I turn down request for social interaction with friends because she would rather me play with her, sometimes she asks- "Momma, do you love me? Are you happy? Do you love my heart?" These are actual things that she asks me. 

It makes me feel sad, it makes my heart ache. I am an anxious person, and I do become high energy at times. I sometimes say things aloud that I should be more cautious of. So based on my experience, here is a list of things that I do to show Autumn just how much I love her.

1. Play her games. Sometimes, she wants to do things that are either a) destructive b) messy c) time consuming or d) annoying. At times, it's all of the above. But I play along. I become her best friend. I sit down on the floor and pretend that the dinosaurs are fighting the unicorns. She'll whisper in my ear and "dare" me to do things, like "lick daddy’s hand like a dog" or "hop like a bunny." Then I'll whisper in her ear and tell her to tell her dad silly things or act like a puppy. Some days, she wants to paint on every piece of paper that we have, and she wants me to paint, too. I've gone for walks in the evening with her not realizing that I had blue paint all over my legs. I've had to realize this: Things can be fixed. Messes can be cleaned. Her time is more important than my time. Nothing she does should be annoying. Especially that last one. When she wants to play her chord organ and sing a song, I should be embracing her creativity not telling her to turn it down because I don't want to hear it.

2. Don't talk about her like she isn't there. I know. There are times when I need to talk to her dad about how she's behaving or things that I've noticed about her. I also know that the hours that we are not directly in front of her are extremely limited. We co-sleep. We don't have a set schedule for her sleeping. She hangs out with us at all times. She doesn't get babysat. We have maybe a half hour between her going to sleep and us going to sleep. So it's easy to start talking about her hyper activity or how she was acting "terrible" at the party. I slip up and catch myself telling him that "she's driving me crazy." Which, she really does at times. But it hurts her feelings, and she hears it. I don't want her growing up thinking that she's this being that doesn't have the right to be upset that someone is talking badly about them. I know she isn't intentionally trying to cause me to have a stroke. I know she isn't being mean or hurtful. Nothing is wrong with her, something is wrong with me. I need to be more patient, and I need to be more discreet. If we have concerns about her behavior, we should discuss them away from her, so that she doesn’t' misinterpret the conversation as if she is the bad one.

3. Spend time alone. People talk about it all the time when they've had pets for a while before having kids. The baby is born and one of the parents is out taking the dog for a walk to make sure they get "quality time" so they don't feel left out. Well the same thing goes for kids. Even if they're an only child, they need quality time with each parent. If there's just one parent, quality time is even more important. Put the phone down, put the tablet down, block out a time or scheduled date that is for just you two. Autumn gets excited on Saturdays, and knows when it's Saturday because I'm home when she wakes up. She knows we'll shower, get dressed, brush our hair & teeth together, and do something together- even if it's just a walk to the park, or going to Grandma's for dinner. We get up and spend the morning getting groomed together and that quality time is so precious. It's something I can't do Monday through Friday. Working 40+ hours a week doesn't make it easy to be a very active parent, but I can sure as hell try. 

4. Don't talk badly about yourself.  This is so important. If you want her to grow up with self-confidence and body positivity, don't let her see you doubt yourself. Don't let her hear you insulting yourself. If you can insult yourself, she'll see it as permission to insult herself. Let her see you be happy in your skin, and sure of yourself. It's not always easy to do, especially if you suffer from low self-esteem, but just remember, that body made that gorgeous little girl, and it's the only body you have. We look to our mother's as our inspiration for almost everything as we become women and mother's. I don't recall my mother being negative about her body. I've been pretty self-confident my whole life, even thru a 100+ pound weight gain because of PCOS. I owe that to my mother. I hope I can pass this down to Autumn.

5. Tell her you love her. Constantly. Compliment her. Listen to her stories and tell them back to her. Remember events and occasions with her. Recall what funny things happened yesterday. Know her, and know when she is sad. Encourage her by telling her she can do it. Be verbal. Not everyone can pick up on silent cues or signs of affection. Sometimes things have to be heard. Especially children. She doesn't understand that you hate working an office job but it's the only way to give her a home, so you do it. She doesn't understand that you didn't go out to a bar because she wanted to watch Beetleborgs while you held her. She understands when you say "I love you with all my heart" you are saying it to her. 

5 Tips for Shopping on a Budget- with a toddler.

We have a spending limit of $350 to spend on food for 2 adults and a toddler each month. The first time trying to keep this budget was a huge fail. We ended up over budget 15 days into the month. However, now I feel I have finally perfected the grocery shopping skill AND budget. 

Taking Terrance to the grocery store with Autumn & I is exactly like taking TWO toddlers grocery shopping. They fight, they chase each other, they sneak candy from the bulk section, and they eat & drink before we pay. The only thing more embarrassing then the pile of empty juice bottles and chip bags is having to stop them from throwing things at each other. So I have concluded, I will get up early on the first Saturday of the month, and sneak out by myself. If Autumn wakes up, I will get her ready and sneak out with her. Just so long as her dad doesn't come as well.

He's really a keeper.

Anyhow, this is my list of things that help me get through shopping with a toddler & while staying on budget.

1. Make a shopping list. This may sound like a "duh" but there is a certain TYPE of list that I have found that is most efficient. Most of us know the basic layout of our favorite grocery stores, right? Mine is Winco, and it goes impulse (which they misleadingly call the wall of deals...), produce, bulk, deli, dairy, frozen, shelved goods, bakery, and then chips/crackers. So what I have found works the best is to make my list in the order that the store is laid out. My biggest pet peeve was getting half way through dairy only to realize I forgot spinach and had to back track to produce before I forgot again. This has made is so much easier. Here is an example:

My chicken scribble writing, as my mother describes it.

2. Keep the kid involved. This does take a little extra time and patience, but if I keep her involved in everything I am doing as I shop, she's totally cool with the whole trip. I refuse to let her out of the shopping cart because I will NOT chase her around, so I always pull her up close to the shelves and tell her how many we need. For example, I'll grab the produce bag and have her grab "4" avocados or "3" green bell peppers and "3" red bell peppers. It's a learning experience for her and even though it'd be easier for me to grab and go, I would end up fighting with a bored child trying to flee me. 

3. Compare prices & cut coupons. Be frugal. Don't be afraid to look cheap. In California they don't allow double coupons so I can't quite be the extreme couponer I'd love to be. Also, don't buy something just because it's on sale or because you have a coupon. At first it took me some time to compare but now I generally know which brands are good even though they are the cheapest option. Believe me; I've had my share of bad trips. I've saved myself 7 cents on mayo before and realized that it made everything I used it with taste like rotten shit. Not just normal shit, but rotten. So I've made my list to include brands to NOT ever try again. 

4. Buy bulk. I usually buy as much bulk as possible. This includes veggies. I don't have a Costco or Sam's Club Membership because I really don't buy that much bulk, since it's just the three of us. However, I buy a ton of family packs of meat and large amounts of veggies because I freeze them. I buy bulk in water, bread, and other boxed goods.

5. Freezer bags! The reason I like to shop early in the morning is that I come home and I do two things: 1. Snack on the fresh fruit and veggies I just bought and 2. Cut all the veggies up and section off meat to freeze for the month. My Grandma Mercedes taught me this when I first moved out of my parents’ house and it's always been a success. We get all the meat and all the veggies along with olive oil, seasonings, and white/red wines and package the right meats, with the right wines, and the right veggies. We give them a good "rubbing" as Grandma describes, and then we throw them in the freezer. I usually partition two to three pieces of meat depending on which kind of meat it is and if Autumn likes it. Before I go to bed at night I decide what meat needs to be pulled out and I set it in a container inside of the fridge to defrost. If you decide to do this, remember to leave some of the meat plain or very light seasoned for those occasions that you want to follow a recipe that doesn't call for your concoction of seasons and oils. 

 Click Here to Get a Coupon for Hefty Freezer Bags.

Bonus Tip!: Use reuseable shopping bags. For many reasons. It's better for the environment, Winco gives you 5 cents for every bag you bring, plastic bags are banned in most California cities, they fit more, and they are less likely to break on the trip into the house. Check these adorable shopping totes out.

5 Tips for Introducing a Kitten to a Toddler.

Just a few days ago we adopted a kitten from a neighbor. On the way home from choosing said kitten, we found an abandoned kitten in a bush. Autumn *had* to rescue it. She said "My baby is hungry and wants me to hold it." So sure enough, we took them both inside. I thought cats were easy. They used a litter box, they were pretty self-sufficient, and they liked to sleep a lot. Right? 

Oh God was I wrong. 
I feel like I have a newborn. Or two.

5 Tips for re-homing kittens:

1.Kitten proof the place. Hide away cords, wires, and small children's toys that may be accidentally eaten by the cat. When we let them loose the first thing they ran to was the wires to our stereo system. We have now safely secured them in boxes. 

2.Have everything set and in place. Have the kitten's items in the place that they will stay prior to having kitty come home. I.E. The bed, the food/water area, the litter box. Take them on a tour, and then let them get comfortable in the home. They hid for a while, and it was definately difficult teaching Autumn to leave them be, but they finally felt safe enough to hop on the couch and watch TV with us yesterday evening. 

3.Find a vet and schedule an appointment for vaccines and a check up. This should be done within a week of them coming home with you. Wether you got them in a shelter that would be full of germs, or from a family, or from the alley- get them checked out and up to date. Also, this gives you a chance to become familiar with a vet so that you can have them as a provider in case the cats ever need care. Discuss with them the plan for spay/neuter and also check their policies to see if they accept payments in cases of emergencies, or if you qualify for any type of pet insurance. Also, after discussing rates you should begin to save money for possible health expenses. 

4.Keep your young one interactive with the kitten. Teach them how to behave around them, especially since they will be super excited upon their arrival. Explain to them that the kitten is in a new place and may be scared. Man handling, squeezing, and yelling will frighten them more. Whereas if they are gentle and speak softly the kitten will grow less weary of the child. Explain to them that kittens have sharp claws that only come out when they are frightened or threatened. Keep the child aware of the routine of the kitten. This means explaining that the litter box is for POOP and PEE and should not be played with, rather, it should be scooped out. Also, have them aware that the food/water area is not to be touched or tampered. It is only for food & water. 

5.Ensure the safety of your cat. Do this by having them wear a break away collar with a name tag & phone number. A collar with a bell is suggested so that they can't be too sneaky. Also, microchips are a great way to ensure your cats return if they were to sneak away. You can include this discussion in tip #3 and ask your vet prices for the microchipping. Click here for an example of the type of collar.

5 Tips for Choosing Daycare; Momma to Momma

Choosing daycare for your toddler is hard! Especially if you’re like me, and waited until they’re almost 3 to introduce the idea of being separated from mom & dad for a period of time. I had some feedback and did some research and gathered the top five pieces of advice and tips for choosing the right daycare!

1. "Make a list what you want in a daycare and then prioritize that list.” The examples I got were as follows:

• Location- do you want them near your place of work or home?
• Price- Is there a price range that you need to stay under?
• Hours- Do you work hours other than normal business hours?
• Curriculum/Beliefs- Are there certain things you would prefer your child to learn while at daycare? Or not learn? Do you have beliefs that you would like to have promoted to your child? 

2. "Spend time with the staff and let your child play with them while you watch from either behind a window or from afar. Does the staff seem to understand your child’s babble? Do they seem frustrated?”

 I know that my child is frustrating at times. She is very high strung. My concern is that she will push staff’s buttons and test every nerve.

3. Look into policies. Read all the fine print. Specifically the following:

• Discipline- Do they believe in the same discipline as you do? Are time outs something that is acceptable for you?
• Meals and Snacks- Is the food appropriate for your child? Do you agree with goldfish instead of fresh fruit, or vice versa? Are you going to have to bring your own food?
• Sick policy- What constitutes a sick child? What symptoms are standard for either sending a child home or refusing stay for the day?
• Nap time- Is nap time going to throw your child out of whack? Is their nap schedule too early or too late? 

4. "Check to see if the director and lead teacher are educated and licensed. Not just licensed for the daycare, but check to see if they have a degree in teaching or child development.”

I know Autumn isn’t quite old enough to be in preschool but I would really prefer her to be taught some fundamentals rather than watch videos and play tag all day. Also, those who have invested their time and money into receiving an education in child development seem to have more concern and care for the growth of a child than an individual who merely wanted to have their own business in this field. 

5."State government is attempting to pass legislation that disallows parents to use personal beliefs as a waiver for immunizations. It isn’t law yet, but many daycares are already jumping on board and turning away kids that don’t follow the regular schedule.”

This is something that concerns me, because I have been vaccinating Autumn on an alternative vaccination schedule. This has been closely monitored and tailored by her pediatrician who fully supports this decision due to family history of reactions to vaccines as well as Autumn’s own health issues that we are still trying to diagnose. So this is scary to me. We really need daycare for Autumn so that both of us can work, but is it really worth putting her health at risk by updating all vaccines at once?

Any other words of advice that you guys would share?
~Brittany