Homeschooling Blog

Along the top of this blog, you will see some links.

One of them says "Sonny Skye Homeschool."

This link will take you to my blog for homeschooling adventures.

Just one of the new additions.

I don't want to be a mom blogger.

I've been a little quiet as of lately, and I have been hiding out reading blogs rather than writing them.

It's not because I don't love writing or blogging, and it isn't ONLY because my life is a constant uphill battle. It's because I am not happy with being a "mom" blogger. 

Initially, I thought, well of course I have to write about "mom" stuff like saving money, going on Pinterest, funny ish my kid says, etc. because I am a mom. I feel like me being a mom is the greatest thing about me. However, despite the fact that I am a mom, I am not a "traditional" mom and I really hate reading about all the "other" moms and their petty crap. 

I tell my daughter stories about Queens and Goddesses, and allow her to express herself by running barefoot outside and choosing her own outfits. Yes, even when she specifically chooses two different types of shoes (including one on the wrong foot) and says "Mom, I don't want to match." She watches what we watch and that includes Chappie and NASA documentaries. She goes where we go, which is everywhere, and never to a babysitters. She walks through downtown arthops and into the bars during the daylight to watch dubstep djs perform. She knows the correct names for her body parts and for boy parts as well. I don't baby her. I don't allow her to cry when another kid takes a toy from her. I don't let her freak out when she falls down, because she's stronger than that. We don't punish her, and I don't watch my mouth around her. She uses all the dollar tree sprinkles making pretend cakes in the cake pans late at night, and we sometimes take walks at ten or eleven o'clock at night when the moon looks nice.

What I cannot continue to do is portray myself as the mom blogger who does normal activities with their normally hyper toddler. I am not average, neither is Autumn and I'm sick of reading boring mom blogs. I need to write about the different things in my life. The things that interest me besides pinterest bubbles and healthy recipes. The issues that matter to me, like politics and the environment. I include Autumn in everything I do, so I guess I could still be a "mom blogger" but I refuse to fall into the rabbit hole of mom blogs that tell you "what to do, what not to do, and what you're doing right/wrong." 

Although, I appreciate all the other mom's in my blogging groups for reading and commenting on my blog when I first began, I just can't keep up in the blogging for ten cents a month from advertising world. I'm not trying to generate traffic for pennies. I'm trying to share my words, and hopefully find a few people who make me not feel so alone.

So with that I am leaving you with a list of things I CANNOT STAND about the blogging community and the news that I am rebranding the entire blog, and will hereby no longer be following standard "mom blog" rules, because I don't have to, and because I am more than an overworked, stressed out, mom with a mission. I am a woman, and I have given birth to a little Goddess, and we enjoy being different.

Things I CANNOT STAND about blogging and mom bloggers:

1. "Mommy Wars"- As much as I can't stand mom's nitpicking at each other’s parenting techniques, I really can't stand the moms who whine about mommy wars either. We as women ALLOW the mommy wars to happen. Some mom's enjoy being the protagonist and loves to stir up strong worded blogs from the other side. But some mom's love to be the "heroes" and "peaceful" ones by criticizing other mom's for creating competition. I'm sick of it. We are all women. We all need to respect each other's wishes for our own children. Try saying this: "I am in charge of my own decisions. Her decisions were made by her, and for her own children, and not mine. She is a woman, just as I am. She is a mother, just as I am. I will not judge her for what she says or what she does because it has no effect on me or my children."

Because guess what? It doesn't affect you. 

2. Blog link ups - nobody cares about what the other person wrote. One mom was over there writing about her republican views while I was over here writing about being fat. That mom doesn't care one bit, but because of this stupid link up, here she is, one of my 5 readers of the day, and she couldn't care less. I'm not into blogging because I get lots of people to read my writing or that I could make money off of ads. I care about people reading what I write and understanding a part of me- or learning something new. I don't want to read about someone making a bench, because frankly, I will never make a bench, no matter how cool it looks. I will go buy a bench. And maybe not even that. I don't think I even need a bench. I feel terrible promoting a blog post I *barely* skimmed because it bored me to death and then wrote some generic comment like "How cool! It looks great! I'll use these tips in the future!" because that's what they requested in the link up. It's fake. It's lame. and I get no real readers that way.

3. Stay at Home Mom Blogs- maybe its jealousy, but I doubt it. I've been there, and definitely understand how hard it is. However, seeing all these "I'm so lonely and all I do is talk to a toddler but I'm so happy my kids are finally back in school so I can be alone" posts are killing me. I know it's hard. I know a whole lot about loneliness. I know a lot about depression. I do. I've written blogs about it. I just can't continue to read about your oh so terrible life- especially when your blog looks amazing, and you are constantly online.... either someone is helping you watch that terrible toddler you're talking about or you completely ignore them for hours on end. Like I said, I get it. It's not all sunshine and rainbows- and it gets daunting- but come on. Do you know how many mother's would just DIE of happiness if they were able to get to actually be with their kids and watch them grow instead of spending 40+ hours a week trying to make a living? Stop complaining. You have the best gift of all- your kids- all the time. 

Sorry, not sorry, if this struck a chord with anyone, but I just can't do this type of blogging anymore. I'll be revamping and personalizing this blog to be more like myself- but until then- best of luck.

Depression.

I've been seeng a lot of supportive and positive messages towards mental illness as of lately, so I feel comfortable writing this.

Depression and anxiety sucks.

As much as everyone wants to tell me nothing is wrong with me or that the way I feel is normal, they don't get it. Yeah sure, I may cover it up really well, but I have breakdowns at home weekly. These "breakdowns" happen when the last straw breaks the camels back. That last event that causes me to cry, pull my hair, slam things, and go chain smoke five cigarettes. That "event" may of been me stepping in something sticky when I came home. Or the house being hot. Or because the bathtub is still full of water from Autumn's bath. Or it could be the way someone said my name. It may even be my own child's touch that pushes me over the edge.

Yes, it's shitty that sometimes my anxiety is so high that Autumn touching me makes me freak out. I've learned to hold it in for the most part, because I really sincerely love Autumn's hugs and kisses, it's just sometimes that bitch named anxiety tells me I hate it.

Sometimes I feel like nobody gives a damn about me.I feel alone. I feel like everyone is against me. I get so mad that all of the "nice" and "thoughtful" things that someone has done for me seem like ways to keep me from bitching, not signs of affection. I even get so low as to believe my child actually hates me and has a personal vendetta against me.

There are mornings I wake up and the whole world looks like different shades of grey (and in a totally depressing and not kinky way.) I instantly hate everything. I hate the drive to work, my coffee tastes gross, and every single caller I get at work is a nuisance who shouldn't be calling- even that lady calling about her cancer treatments.

This depression and anxiety makes me an asshole. I hate who it makes me. I'm a non judgemental, live & let live, loving, friendly, adventurous, happy person. Or so I thought.

Then there are good days. I feel so energetic and so excited for the future. I feel like I can conquer my goals and succeed in being who I want to be. But it just takes one "event," that moment that is unrecognized by any other person but me.

It affects my writing. The depression doesn't allow me to write. I want to write sometimes about some witty and cute thing Autumn did, but my brain is discouraged by the cloud of depression. I get anxiety thinking about what people think of me when they read my blog. Funny thing is, I don't give a flying hoot what anyone thinks of me. My fat ass goes to the water park every other day in a tankini. I have fun with my kid and I am comfortable and cool! What peopel think about me is never a thought on my mind out there. So why do I sometimes care what people think about me?

It affects how I parent. Anxiety tells me that Autumn's toddler behavior is a result of bad parenting and letting her be "too free range" even though I whole heartedly believe in the way we are raising her. So I yell and put her in time out, which is confusing for a kid. Then I feel more like a jerk for being such a spaz.

It affects my friendships. Depression tells me that my friends are in a different place than I am, and that they've moved on and replaced me. I know this isn't true, because my friends are my family. They're there for me like one of my blood. However, depression is very convincing and always creeps up as anxiety is telling me all the horrible things that will happen to my child when I'm away with friends. Then, I'll feel guilt forever because I should've been with her instead of my friends.

It affects my relationship because I blame how I am on them. Is our relationship healthy? I wouldn't say it is. But I will say it'd be a lot healthier if I took accountability for the decisions I make instead of blaming them on him. Does he understand? Not really. This isn't how I was ten years ago when I met him, and somewhere in  between having a kid, living together, not living together,  and going back to full time work- this is who I've become. Would I love to be best friends again? Yes. Do I think he'll understand I'm not just being an asshole, but I'm actually drowning? I don't think so. But that may be depression again.

I want to be me again.
I want to be me all the time, not just when my pain is napping.
I want to be happy all the time, because frankly, some of the time is not cutting it.

It's like sleepwalking through a quarter of my life. Another quarter is like I'm being chased by a T-Rex, and in constant danger. The third quarter feels as if there are bullies in my head putting me down after every thought forms. Finally, I have one more quarter of my life where I can be myself and be happy.

I want to be myself 100% of the time, and I'm working on it. Blogging helps. Talking helps. Family helps. Friends help. Planning things help. Eating better and drinking more water helps. But I'm not quite there yet.

I'm not on medication and I'm not currently seeing a professional because of work hours. At the end of September I will be able to set up time for behavioral health so I can start seeing a shrink. However, I don't feel like they can help me. I've tried and I've been diagnosed. I've been diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar, Depression, &Anxiety. But I was prescribed lithium, two mood stabilizers, and xanax after one 45 minute visit and we didn't even talk about the real issues. I'm weary but maybe medication is what I need right now.

I'll update with how I'm doing, but for now, I'm just trying to live day by day and surround myself with people who understand and love me. For many of my friends this is all unspoken knowledge. I have always been the crazy one - but before it was mosh pit, dance with strangers, run through the graveyard at night crazy. Now it's cry alone, ignore invites, and freak out because it's too hot or crowded crazy.

Thank you for this of you who silently support me even when I don't talk about it. And for the friends who never ask me to explain myself. Love you guys.

Photo cred to: dezandcarol.com/depression

August Challenge!

For this month, I've assigned myself three challenges.

One- The Plank Challenge: This one is really hard for me. TMI: They hurt my c-section scar. It's been 3 years and it still hurts. Ugh. Anyway, I'm determined to make myself stronger.

Two- 30 Days of new recipes. Actually 27 days, because I'm getting a late start. I love Pinterest because I've gotten so many awesome ideas from friends, however, I'm more of a Pinterest Fail kinda person. I'm whole heartedly excited to try new recipes as I love cooking, I'm just usually not good at it. I will keep you guys updated!

Three- Create a preschool lesson plan for Autumn. Since I plan on homeschooling her, I need to get started since she just turned three!

What about you guys? Any challenges you are giving yourself? Let me know!

No! I don't want anymore kids.

I'm not saying it's forever.
I just don't want another one.
I don't think I ever will, but you never say never.

Autumn is cute. She's beautiful, actually. She's a big ball of freakin' sunshine... to everyone else. She's always happy (unless she's mad) and she's very quirky. I'll be honest, my kid is magnetic. People love to be around her. They spend some time with her and then they ask "Are you having anymore?"

I laugh. The biggest, sarcastic, mean laugh that I can muster, and respond "Are you kidding me? Never. Nope. Heeellllll no."

I always get the "look" (you know that "you make adorable babies please make more" look) and they proceed to tell me WHY I need another kid:

1. "But she's sooooo cute" (...and evil)
2. "She needs a sibling, she'll get lonely." (...or get less attention)
3.  "You're going to miss her being a baby." (...really? I was dying for the day she could walk while holding my hand so I wouldn't have to carry her while I did everything)
4. "You need a boy!" (psssh. Like I have the money for genetic modification to make this happen.)
... and the oddest one I've heard:
5. "But I had a dream you had 4 kids!" (because I should just hop on board to make your premonition come true, right?)

Although all of these are very good reasons (sarcasm)  to have another child, here are my serious (kinda) reasons as to why I don't want to and probably won't do it again:

1. Pregnancy sucks. It sucks ass. Some women are super cute, bubbly, and glowing.... not me. I hated everything about it. I didn't look pregnant til, like, 3 days before my due date. So I just looked like a really whiney fat person the whole time. Also, the pain from the first trimester was God awful. I would complain to the doctor and he would tell me it's my uterus growing. Well, your uterus growing is like cramps on 'roids and it sucks. Also, I carried so low the whole time that by 6 months, even though I didn't look pregnant, I felt very pregnant and very heavy. This caused tremendous cramps, which the doctor told me was just my ligaments stretching. All of this body stretching and growing sucks. Not fun. Also the ultrasounds... yeah those suck too. You know why? Because you're bladder is full with a million ounces of water and you have to hold it while waiting for the xray tech to be ready, and of course, the little baby in your uterus is jumping on it the whole time. Then, the doctor pushes and shoves on your bladder region. I peed a little one time. It was equal amounts of embarassing and gross.

2. My labor still traumatizes me and my birth still causes pain. I went into labor on the 27th of July. I started feeling the pain on the night of the 26th, but I was ready to go to the hospital on the 27th. I got to the hospital and my water broke. They put me in a room and convinced me to get an epidural. I swear to you, every intention I had was a natural birth with NO epidural. However, they told me I'd be too tired to push since I was up all night in pain. So, exhausted I got the epdirual early in the day. The epidural stopped my contractions. The doctor didn't want to induce them because "there were too many women in labor and no on-call delivery doctors." The epdirual freaked me out and I had them turn it off. I didn't like the feeling of not feeling. So basically, I got the epidural, it stopped my labor, and I hated the way it felt so I turned it off and went back to feeling pain. For nothing. Then, I fell asleep in between contractions. The next morning, the doctor says "ok! we have more staff!" and gives me petocin to start my contractions again. I start contracting. I start pushing. I push for almost 8 hours on and off. NO baby. While she was sitting in a dry womb that, at one point, was pushing her out, and then, wasn't pushing her out. This caused her to turn "sunny side up." Apparently, babies only come out face down, which was news to me. I kept trying to push and her heart rate dropped so they had to whisk me off to emergency c-section. Horrifying. I couldn't hold her. I couldn't be with her. I had to just lie there, while hearing the doctor tell me he "couldn't stop the bleeding." Dead. I'm pretty sure at some point I left my body.

3. I can't handle more than one Autumn. Or one angel child plus Autumn. I actually can't even deal with Autumn, some days. There are moms out there who are able to spread themselves equally to each child, whereas I can't even spread my love to anyone besides her. Two days after she was born I just looked at her dad and told him that I really didn't think I had enough love in me to love anyone else besides her, including him. Also, I don't have the patience for anything besides her. I mean I barely have the patience for her... so.... yeah. No more kids, please. I would probably have a complete melt down. I have pretty bad anxiety and I sometimes feel myself seperating from sanity as it is. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be nice to bring another kid into this. She's hyper and loud, and makes me batty. I think if my next child was a saint, they'd be ignored while I tended to Autumn's antics or if they were just as "eccentric" as Autumn, I'd die.

4. It's not financially responsible. I can make it on my own but I have a 2002 car and I'm living in a *decent* part of town in a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT. By *decent* I mean I don't technically live in the hood, I like to consider it "historical" however, my mom saw my apartment and said "Brittany! If I would've seen this before you moved I would have told you not to move." Also, she will text me when she hears "booms" from my Grandma's house who lives a few blocks away. But really, it's not that bad. We have really nice neighbors who keep an eye on our place and I haven't seen any real crime besides bums loitering by the no loitering sign. Right now, Autumn does have everything she could ever want and more. Plus, I'm able to pay my bills without things getting shut off and such. However, not having to pay for baby food, possibly formula, diapers, and wipes is such a relief. I can't imagine doing it all over again. 

6. I really am not a huge fan of kids. I love my kid, because, you know, she's cool. However, she's very different from other kids. What if I have another kid and they're a boring or annoying kid?! I mean, I wouldn't be mean, and I would still love them, but my kid is really awesome! She does funny stuff and has such a crazy personality. Other kids are just... kids. Some may be cute, and some may be funny, but Autumn is a nutcase, and I love her that way. The more kids I have means more friends for them when they get older... more school functions.... more birtday parties... NO! No more kids. I seriously was an outcast for so much of my elementary years because I just really didn't get along with kids. 



Lately, Autumn has been requesting a new baby sister of me, and  I just can't.
Although when she started asking two weeks ago, I thought it was cute... at first.
Then I saw her put her baby doll in a plastic bag and shove it in a drawer, telling it to "stop crying" and my mind returned to "Hell no."

Confession: I'm fat, and I'm not sad about it.

I know, it's not really a confession. What I am confessing is that I am fat, and I'm not sad about it. Fat isn't an insult. It is  It is an accurate description. Do I feel ugly? No. Do I think I'm unworthy of things because of my size? No. But that hasn't always been the case. 

Recently, body positivity has been a hot topic. Oh how I wish it had happened 6-10 years ago when I was struggling with body image in high school! We need to keep it up, keep promoting body positivity! Stop telling women what they can and can't wear! Stop telling what colors, sizes, patterns, designs, lengths, or brands to wear! Now that I've accepted who I am, I've been able to see that all women are beautiful. I love seeing women comfortable in their own skin. I don't believe that there are shorts too short for certain sizes. I don't believe that crop tops are for skinny girls only. It's  hot as hell- wear what keeps you comfortable and cool! Confidence is beautiful. Kindness is beautiful. Being judgemental or vain is NOT beautiful. Being HATEFUL IS NOT BEAUTIFUL.

Here's a little information about my fat-ness.

I've been fat since high school.

I am definitely bigger now than I've ever been but I have to admit- I've never been more comfortable with who I am, until now.

When I was 100 lbs lighter I was still considered over weight but I was also bitter and jealous. Not only did I hate that my body wasn't like the smaller girls, I also hated the smaller girls for not being fat. I was ashamed of myself. I wore sweaters in the summer (which, if you're from Fresno, you know is suicidal) and I hid behind over sized clothes. Little did I know, 6 years later I'd give ANYTHING to be a size 14 again. I had been taught that my body was ugly and that I must be doing something wrong because I was big. That self hatred turned outwards and I started to hate anyone I thought was better looking- and by better looking, I mean thin.

What I didn't know was that at a size 14, I was physically healthy and mentally unhealthy. I was so obsessed with being "ugly" I didn't realize that I was actually in shape. At the time I was in three dance classes, in color guard, and an active mosh pit participant every weekend. I could run up stairs, I could dance for hours, I could fight, I could circle pit, I never felt that I was physically limited. However, I limited myself by being afraid of my size.

Now I'm a size 24 and I'm actually finding difficulties in doing the things I used to do. I'm unhealthy because I've been slacking. Why? Because in 2007 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Despite all the running and dancing I did, I was gaining what seemed like a pound a day. My mom became worried by senior year of high school, where the doctor diagnosed me with poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Since then I've been told, without the help of medication, it would be difficult for me to lose weight.

Because of this,  I gave up trying to be healthy for a while. I figured,  if I can't lose weight why would I kill myself trying? I finally realized that even though I wasn't going to be able to LOSE weight, I had to keep an effort to be HEALTHY and that size did not determine whether I was healthy or beautiful. 

This realization has also helped me become mentally healthy! I'm no longer envious of anyone else's body and I'm no longer hiding myself! If I want to swim, I am going to swim dammit! And no, I won't wear board shorts and a shirt because that shit is not comfortable to swim in!

I'm so proud that I can say - in a totally non sexual way- when a woman is effing gorgeous. I support women in all shapes sizes and colors. I support wearing a size 18 bikini or a size 20 crop top the same way I support a size 0 monokini and a size 4 crop top. I support your face full of amazing make up or your face with not a drop of moisturizer. I support your beautiful natural hair and your extensions! I love all of it! Women are strong, resilient, beautiful, & powerful! Why would I judge a women because her short shorts showed cellulite? Why would I be envious of the girl with ABS? They're both capable of being a valuable part of society and they're both beautiful!

Body positivity is more than being happy with the skin you're in. It's women being kind to one another. Not just fat women, but all women. It's  about loving yourself so you can appreciate what other women have to offer you.

Love yourself, so you can love others. Isn't that some cliché quote?

My favorite quote is about all of this is:

"One woman's beauty is not the lack of your own."
Ain't that the truth.
Love you ladies! You're all gorgeous!

Oh p.s. #effyourbeautystandards

Hello, Tantrum Three's.

When Autumn started walking I exclaimed loudly that my life just got a million times harder. I was told it was just the beginning. 
When Autumn first yelled "No!" at something I had asked her to do, or rather, not do, I shook my head and laughed.
When Autumn started to refuse to do anything but the opposite that we asked of her, I was introduced to the terrible two's. 

Just last week, a month before her third birthday, I become fully aware of TANTRUM THREE'S.

Holy Hell.

I remember when I was pregnant and I would see kids crying in the shopping cart, chair, floor, wherever, and thinking "I'll never let my kid cry like that. I'll just hold her and she'll stop." 

Yeah. Right.

The first time she threw a tantrum went like this:

Autumn open's the hallway closet and see's her collectible retro toys. 
*pointing to the top shelf*
Autumn: "Daddy daddy daddy daddy gimme my toys!"
Daddy: "Ok Autumn, give me a second, my hands are full."
Autumn: *throws self on floor* *starts kicking floor* *screaming*
Daddy: *looks at me*
Me: *looks at him*
Me: "Autumn, get up, come here, he didn't even say no! Come here, come play with your toys."
Autumn: *kicking* *screaming*
Me: "Aw, come here Autumn." *giggle* "Let me hold you. Calm down, it's ok!"

That's when I learned my lesson. 

I reached down to pick her up and she bit my arm, spit on me, and then continued to scream.

A few explicitives later, I sat down on the couch, open pinterest, and ignored her. 

Ten minutes later, she crawled on the couch, cuddled under my arm while holding her toys like a baby, and that was that.

Now, this phase should be fun. It'll test every last nerve that I have. I know I can ignore it, but I can't ignore it in public. Which happened the night before 4th of July. Except this time it was at a water park, after dark, and in the restroom. The waterpark announced the fireworks, and of course, we have to go to the bathroom. So Autumn and I head over there and as we walk in the bathroom the fireworks start to go off. Autumn gets so scared that she begins to army crawl under the stalls on the nasty wet bathroom floor and then locks herself in the stall. This continues for quite some time until, like the great parent I am, I scared her by telling her a monster was in the toilet. Once she got out she was so dirty that I stuck her whole body in the sink and used hand soap to clean her off. By the time I was done, everyone was leaving the park and the fireworks were over.

Needless to say, I was over her at that point. 

There's about half a dozen other crazy moments she's had in the past week, but I'm exhausted from being up all night, because obviously her new sleeping schedule has her awake all night, so I won't go into it. 

We're having a rough patch, apparently. 
I just want sleep.
and more sleep.

Things I've learned being a full time working mom.

Working 40 hours a week when all you want to do is crafts with your toddler sucks. 

Working a 5 day a week job sucks. 

Waiting for a weekend sucks. 

Adulting sucks.

Things I've learned while raising a toddler and working full time:

1. Sometimes you're going to feel like a terrible parent because  you will come home completely drained, and even though  you've thought about getting home to your baby all day, you will instantly be annoyed by their need for attention. You won't  notice that you're doing it, but by dismissing their feelings, you're being a jerk. But I don't blame you! It's  hard. Especially if you deal with fixing problems or customer service. You just want a break, and want someone to fix YOUR problems for once. Yeah, I catch myself and remind myself that this tiny little human wants to be around me and loves me regardless. Then I feel horrible for being irritated at this beautiful little monster. But it's normal. I've talked to other working mamma's and they've experienced this,  also. It's  rough, and the worst part is, people I actually don't care about got the best of me, whereas my daughter gets the burned out grumpy version of me.

2. You'll have days at home when you think to yourself "work sounds nice." Even if you spent all week wanting to cry at the thought of having to stay at work a minute longer. You'll remember that work has free air conditioning and a break room where people generally leave you alone,  at least for a little bit. Unlike home, where there is no place to hide. Not even the bathroom!

3. I wish I could ditch like I did in high school. In high school I would wake up with full intent on going to school until a friend would call or text me with a better proposal. Then I'd decide to ditch school for fun. Well some mornings I have all intentions of going to work but then Autumn wakes up and wants to do something fun, like we did on "Saturday." My heart hurts each time I have to tell her no, because of money. If I don't go to work, rent is not paid. It's  a bummer, and I wish I could stay home all of the days to have fun, but I'm so worried about not having the patience for it.

4. Planning for the weekend all week long ends with a very busy weekend, which are a lot of fun, but also very exhausting. I  feel so suffocated all week long in this office building that I plan for days out for the weekends but I have  to learn to schedule time for relaxation, too. If I don't, I end up burned out and even more dreadful of Monday.

5. I do get every holiday off, which is nice, however, I don't ever have enough time to plan for said holidays. Very annoying for someone who likes to get creative with the gift baskets and wrapping paper. I like to make things extra special and magical. Having the DAY off for a holiday really does nothing for me. So I start to get my holiday planning way ahead of time! I've  been planning Autumn's birthday since January, even though  it's  in July, because I won't  have enough weekends to put everything together myself in just the month of July. But seriously, holiday's really aren't all that great when you know you won't be home the day after Christmas to play with your kid and all the stuff Santa brought them. Instead I'll  be at work talking to people who have nothing  better to do but call customer service the day after Christmas. Usually, they're bitter about something or being alone. Like me. Because I am at work. Dealing with them. IT'S HORRIBLE.

I've probably learned a lot more since I started working full time on a regular 9-5 shift, but I think these are most important. I feel like I miss out on so much. However, a good paying job with an unfinished psychogy degree is rarely found without working in retail or fast food. It's very frustrating. I need to make a living, but I want to be close to my daughter. I have to pay the bills but I'm afraid I will end up showing my daughter that I sacrifice my goals and passions  for money. It's  a very complicated situation but for now, I just have to keep on keeping on.

Wisdom Wednesday- Live & Let Live.

When you see/hear/read something that doesn't fit into your personal mold of normal, ask your self these questions prior to making a negative comment, thought,  or judgement:

1.Does this affect me personally?
2. Is this hurting any individuals who are unable to protect themselves?
3. Is anyone going to be physically or emotionally impacted that is unable to defend themselves?

If your answers are no- stay the hell out of it.

Now I'm not saying a little political debate is terrible, because you best believe I'm one of the first people to jump in on an intense political debate.  What I am saying is this- live and let live.

If you don't think gay marriage deserves equal rights, that's fine. I may argue why it does deserve equal rights, but I'm probably not going to persuade you otherwise, so I won't invest much emotion into it. However, if you become rude or emotionally abusive towards those in the LGBTQ community, you've crossed a line from being a human with opinions, to being an asshole.

Because guess what? A gay man getting married to another man does not physically harm you, nor does it affect anyone else. Someone else's love is not the lack of your own, is it? So being hurtful does nothing but promote negativity.

This example can be applied to so many different scenarios. 

The plus sized woman wearing shorts that you consider "too short for a woman that size" isn't hurting a damn person by staying cool. 
The parent giving their child organic or non organic that irritates you for either being a hipster/careless- doesn't deserve any type of response from someone who IS NOT THAT CHILD'S PARENT.

I get it, we all have opinions, but an opinion is NOT the same as an insult. The internet gives bullies a way to hide behind a screen and throw text bullets at other people's self esteem, but it isn't only online. Jerks are everywhere, and they feel like anything outside of THEIR norm is wrong, and that these people should feel bad for being "wrong." It's an epidemic of negativity but what I don't understand is if it is not harming you or your loved ones why the *eff* does it matter? I reiterate- let's all just live our lives and let other's live theirs!

Do you all have any other examples of things people get worked up about that have *zero* effect on them?

Toddler Tuesday- The Importance of Family.

"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten." -Lilo & Stitch.

Teaching a toddler the importance of family is an essential to building a child's sense of security and keeping them grounded. It's something to instill in them so that they have a sense of pride and loyalty.

I do understand there are certain situations where this doesn't apply. There are certain situations where your friends become your family, and even then, this same principle applies.

This being said, our family is hectic. We are not your average family and by no means are we normal. However, Autumn will know her family always has her back, and in return she will always be there to catch her cousins when they fall, or to help Grandma when she needs it. Because that is what family does.

This weekend she got to see her family on my side quite a bit. More than usual, since she got to see both my maternal and paternal sides of the family. I want to continue taking her around them so she can understand that they are the firsts people who will be permanent in her life. Before the friends and the crushes - she had family.

Do any of you struggle with keeping family close with your little ones?

Motivation Monday!

Today's motivation focuses on following your bliss.

The quote reads "Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire."

I think it's beautiful and so very important to remember.

Don't let anything hold you back from doing what brings you happiness. 

Your passion is important and when you find what your passion is, you shouldn't let anything scare you away from letting that passion grow. Passion for something is a beautiful thing and letting that passion run free is so rare.

You want to dance but are afraid that you don't have a dancers body? 

Dance anyway!

You want to show your art at a gallery but are afraid it won't meet other's expectations? 

Set up that gallery anyway!

You want to write, but are afraid people won't like to read what you write? 

Write ANYWAY!

There's infinite possibilities to let your passion become a part of you, don't let fear stop it!

What is something you've been afraid to do that you did anyway, with awesome results?

My name is Brittany and I'm a debbie downer.

That's right, I admit it. I'm a debbie downer, a negative nancy, a pessimist.

I usually catch myself during my "glass half empty" rants about people and their no care attitudes. I get mad because sometimes I'm pulled in a million different directions and nobody stops to be be considerate. I watch the news where this really messed up shit happens, and I just think to myself, "Autumn is never leaving the house." I start to get really paranoid and that makes me anxious. Then, I'll sift through Facebook and find that one stupid post that was posted by a family member or friend that is so ignorant and ass backwards I just want to scream obscenities at them, but of course, I don't. I lose hope for humanity instead. I'd love to say that it's easy to believe in humanity, especially since I really do believe in the power of the human spirit and that each action affects someone else, but it's complicated. Sometimes I feel dissapointed in my fellow beings. I feel so dissapointed that it turns into anger and hatred. 

But then life suprises you. In little ways, but those little things make all the difference.

Recently, I've been trying to push this "positive patty" thing that a coworker lives by. She posts positive quotes and inspiration on days that are tough and lives by her own rules that make her happy. This is inspiring to me. I appreciate the posts, becuase they are a subtle reminder that if you plant the seeds, the flowers will grow. Planting people in your life that are positive, wether it's an associate, a coworker, an acquaintance, a family member, or a friend- will grow into a garden. I've associated myself with a lot of weeds in the past, and even though it's relevant, I'm not talking about pot. I'm talking about those people who just make your life a mess. You go out to your garden to pull some out and three more grow. It's exhausting. I want my garden to be so full of flowers that the weeds have no place to grow. And gardening is hard. So it'll take some time for me.

 However, I will admit, since I've changed my mindset I've been seeing more beauty in the world and in humanity. It's random- and it's amazing.

For example; my neighbor across the way at our quadplex is a man who happens to resembles, what most would define as a "skinhead." Like I said, I am prone to judgement, and I apologize for that, but skinheads are one of my biggest fears in life because of past experiences and threats.Besides the fact that he pretty much is the defnition of a physical stereotype, his car has a giant sticker on it that reads "SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL WHITE BOY." I got close enough to read the small print underneath it one day and it was a web address. I, of course, went to this web address and found that it was a site for those who believe in "white pride" and had tons of members and products for sale with similar slogans on it. At first I was angry and then I was terrified. I was terrified because of the aforementioned experiences and threats. I have encountered skinheads, I've been told I was worst than dirt because I'm a traitor to my race. I've been threatened to be raped and killed. I was told that I deserved to be hurt because my boyfriend was black. The worst part? HE WASN'T EVEN THERE. Someone had mentioned if Terrance was coming. The name. His name triggered it all. How did they even know? They assumed. They terrorized me and until this day, I'm petrified when I see anyone who even slighlty fits the description of a skinhead. So here we are, freshly moved into this apartment and a skinhead is my neighbor. Great. We avoided him at all cost. Went out the backdoor, parked far away from his car, etc. Then one day, as I was putting Autumn in the car I looked back to where Terrance was. I saw him standing there, talking to the neighbor. It was inaudible since they were too far away, but my heart stopped. My stomach started to hurt, and I was searching Terrance's face for a clue as to what they were talking about. Then about one minute (ten hours, in my head) later, Terrance got in the car and told me he had offered to repair my broken car window for free. 

-what-

I was so confused. Terrance said he was very friendly, offered to keep his music down on the weekends if it bothered Autumn, and even told him where we could get inexpensive autoparts if necessary. That made me question everything. Did he buy the car with the sticker on it? Was he a racist? What was happening? It's hard for me to trust him because of my initial fears and judgements, but is he really just trying to be a good neighbor? However, I have a new window and he's is installing it this weekend. 

I'm still confused as to who this man is, but I've got to stop focusing on the negative and I must practice appreciation and positivity. Try it for yourself! I know it sounds cheesy, but surround yourself with positive quotes, positive friends, and positive thoughts. Don't go searching for the negative. Turn the news off. Follow some enlightened bloggers. Meditate in white light. Do something for someone else. Promote good. I know I'll be trying! Even if I do feel like this is what I look like: 

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award!

I was nominated by Three Lives of Me, thank you so much!

I was so excited when I got the tweet, but this weekend was an all hands on deck weekend. So now that the Monday rush is over and I've settled down, I can write about it.


So basically the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award is supporting each other by nominating some of our favorite reads to answer some "get to know you" questions, as well as nominate other bloggers to do the same. 

The rules are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. List 10 facts about yourself.
3. Nominate 8 other bloggers.
4. Make up 10 more questions for your nominees to answer!



Here are my answers:

1. How long have you been blogging? I have been blogging for just about 10 years now. I started with xanga.com back in the day! Now, I am blogging about different things.
2. What are your long term goals for your blog? I would like to be a part of a community and provide knowledge, humor, advice, and help to other mommas!
3. What do you love about blogging? I love getting to share stories! I love reading other momma's stories and thinking "ohh I've been there!"
4. And what do you hate, or at least just dislike? I hate that I don't have a computer at home! It'd be so much nicer if I did!
5. Do you have children and do they influence your blog? Absolutely. My blog used to be sad and depressing poetry only. Now it's about bubbles and tutus! 
6. What is one thing you have learned about blogging that you never would have thought of before hand? How much time goes into keeping it up!
7. What are your hobbies outside of your blog? Music, dancing, baking, marathon watching TV shows, reading, singing, painting. 
8. Are there any bloggers that you aspire to be like? I really do love the community Joni at Tales of a Kitchen Witch has!
9. How do you juggle being a mom along with all of your other roles? Oh, this is a good question. This is actually what most of my blog is about. How am I a full time employee and a momma? 
10. Tell me one thing about yourself that most of your readers do not know. I have anxiety. Severe anxiety. 

My nominees are: 

1. Poppies & Pinot
2. Planning Playtime
3. Dancing With Motherhood
4. Bye Comparison
5. Be A Kids Hero
6. The Mom Chronicle
7. Life in Lovelady Land
8. Janice Knauss Art

My questions for you:

1. Why did you start blogging?
2. Have you always wanted to write about what you blog about?
3. What is your dream vacation?
4. What is your favorite song at the moment?
5. What is your guilty pleasure song?
6. What is you favorite restaraunt?
7. If you could go back to high school & live it all over again, would you? Why?
8. Describe your dream house.
9. What is your favorite quote from a movie?
10. What is your favorite social media platform?

Happy Pride!

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

This year marked the 25th Anniversary of the Fresno Gay Pride Parade- and on one of the booklets there was a quote that I found to be very important.

"The first Pride parade was a riot."

Powerful. 

We've come such a long way. 

We still have so much further to go, but look at how far we've gotten!

I say that with full understanding of the prejudices that we still face today. This is why I will not censor my daughter from the world. I want her to grow up around diversity with the full comprehension that this is how the world is. I will not shelter her from any one type of individual because all that is providing is disadvantage. She will face the world alone one day, and her peers will be in all shapes and sizes, and in all colors and shades. There is no way I will prevent her from moving forward because I instilled a fear in her that is, not only irrational, but negative. I will not plant a negative seed in my daughter. Those negative seeds lead to narrow minds and narrow minds lead to missed opportunities. 

I will not hinder her from growing to her potential. She will accept all humans, and provide care for them when they need it. My mother gave me this freedom to accept everyone in the world, and it has made me who I am today. The LGBTQ community saved me and opened me up to being who I am. I owe it to all LGBTQ to ensure my child is accepting! 

HAPPY PRIDE AGAIN!

DIY No Sew Easy Tutu

Autumn's birthday is next month and she has chosen the theme to be.... *drum roll please*....

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers!

*sigh*

What's a mom to do? 

I never liked Power Rangers, not now and not then. To make matter worst she doesn't just want any Power Rangers, she only wants Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. You know, the series from the 80's! This is when I would enable the hashtag #iblameterrance. Nevertheless, her theme will be Power Rangers. Since it is so hot in the summer, there is no way I will be buying her a Pink Ranger costume that will surely cause a heat stroke. So instead, I made a pink tutu, and I will be printing an iron of the Pink Ranger's symbol for a pink tank top. I've had to start early because I'm also making costume shirts for her cousin and a tutu and shirt for her aunt. 

Here's how I did it with no sewing!

Two Yards of Tulle 

1 Large Safety Pin

One package of  waistband elastic

Scissors

*(Autumn is a size 3t and two yards was enough)*

I bought the tulle and elastic at Wal-Mart. The Tulle cost me 1.97 and the elastic was 98 cents. So For less than $3.00 I had everything I needed. 

Cut the tool into strips. I'll be honest, I didn't measure it. Approx 2 inches wide and 12 inches long. 12 inches may be a little short if you want a longer tutu, but I like the kind that stick straight out. Once it's on the tutu it is about 6 inches long from the waistband. The strips don't have to be cut perfectly because when it's all tied together it blends together well.  

Measure your child's waist and us a safety pin to flat pin the two loose ends together. The pin will be wrapped in tulle by the end, however if you feel more comfortable, placing a small dropp of super glue by the close of the pin and allowing it to dry prior to wrapping the tulle on it will keep it more secure. 

Take the tulle, fold it in half, place the loop you've just made under the elastic band and then pull the loose ends through the loop. 

It'll look like a little knot at the bottom.

Repeat step three.

Repeat step three over and over...

You've made a simple tutu!!!

I love doing it this way because it's so quick, it's so easy, and honestly, she's going to wear it for about twenty minutes before she's in a bathing suit and on the water slide. 

I can't show her yet or she'll want to wear it and no doubt she'll ruin it, but I promise, I will post photos of her costume when it's all done.

Also, I made a similar one for her first birthday, where we had her dressed as Wonder Woman. This is because we are awesome parents and had a DC themed birthday at a pizza parlor that we could drink beer at. :) #parentoftheyear

Autumn was Wonder Woman and I was Starfire.