I usually catch myself during my "glass half empty" rants about people and their no care attitudes. I get mad because sometimes I'm pulled in a million different directions and nobody stops to be be considerate. I watch the news where this really messed up shit happens, and I just think to myself, "Autumn is never leaving the house." I start to get really paranoid and that makes me anxious. Then, I'll sift through Facebook and find that one stupid post that was posted by a family member or friend that is so ignorant and ass backwards I just want to scream obscenities at them, but of course, I don't. I lose hope for humanity instead. I'd love to say that it's easy to believe in humanity, especially since I really do believe in the power of the human spirit and that each action affects someone else, but it's complicated. Sometimes I feel dissapointed in my fellow beings. I feel so dissapointed that it turns into anger and hatred.
But then life suprises you. In little ways, but those little things make all the difference.
Recently, I've been trying to push this "positive patty" thing that a coworker lives by. She posts positive quotes and inspiration on days that are tough and lives by her own rules that make her happy. This is inspiring to me. I appreciate the posts, becuase they are a subtle reminder that if you plant the seeds, the flowers will grow. Planting people in your life that are positive, wether it's an associate, a coworker, an acquaintance, a family member, or a friend- will grow into a garden. I've associated myself with a lot of weeds in the past, and even though it's relevant, I'm not talking about pot. I'm talking about those people who just make your life a mess. You go out to your garden to pull some out and three more grow. It's exhausting. I want my garden to be so full of flowers that the weeds have no place to grow. And gardening is hard. So it'll take some time for me.
However, I will admit, since I've changed my mindset I've been seeing more beauty in the world and in humanity. It's random- and it's amazing.
For example; my neighbor across the way at our quadplex is a man who happens to resembles, what most would define as a "skinhead." Like I said, I am prone to judgement, and I apologize for that, but skinheads are one of my biggest fears in life because of past experiences and threats.Besides the fact that he pretty much is the defnition of a physical stereotype, his car has a giant sticker on it that reads "SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL WHITE BOY." I got close enough to read the small print underneath it one day and it was a web address. I, of course, went to this web address and found that it was a site for those who believe in "white pride" and had tons of members and products for sale with similar slogans on it. At first I was angry and then I was terrified. I was terrified because of the aforementioned experiences and threats. I have encountered skinheads, I've been told I was worst than dirt because I'm a traitor to my race. I've been threatened to be raped and killed. I was told that I deserved to be hurt because my boyfriend was black. The worst part? HE WASN'T EVEN THERE. Someone had mentioned if Terrance was coming. The name. His name triggered it all. How did they even know? They assumed. They terrorized me and until this day, I'm petrified when I see anyone who even slighlty fits the description of a skinhead. So here we are, freshly moved into this apartment and a skinhead is my neighbor. Great. We avoided him at all cost. Went out the backdoor, parked far away from his car, etc. Then one day, as I was putting Autumn in the car I looked back to where Terrance was. I saw him standing there, talking to the neighbor. It was inaudible since they were too far away, but my heart stopped. My stomach started to hurt, and I was searching Terrance's face for a clue as to what they were talking about. Then about one minute (ten hours, in my head) later, Terrance got in the car and told me he had offered to repair my broken car window for free.
-what-
I was so confused. Terrance said he was very friendly, offered to keep his music down on the weekends if it bothered Autumn, and even told him where we could get inexpensive autoparts if necessary. That made me question everything. Did he buy the car with the sticker on it? Was he a racist? What was happening? It's hard for me to trust him because of my initial fears and judgements, but is he really just trying to be a good neighbor? However, I have a new window and he's is installing it this weekend.
I'm still confused as to who this man is, but I've got to stop focusing on the negative and I must practice appreciation and positivity. Try it for yourself! I know it sounds cheesy, but surround yourself with positive quotes, positive friends, and positive thoughts. Don't go searching for the negative. Turn the news off. Follow some enlightened bloggers. Meditate in white light. Do something for someone else. Promote good. I know I'll be trying! Even if I do feel like this is what I look like:
