I live for my daughter. I do. I have given up all of the reckless,
selfish, really fun, parts of me from my past in order
to become a mother and a positive influence for my daughter. I'm not saying I'm
not a lot of fun now, because I am! I'm just not drunk dancing, late night
beach trips, losing my shoes fun. I'm making play dough, making cakes, making
crafts fun. But I don't hate it. I love it, actually. I felt like I had to shed
the negative away to embrace this positive little being that was my baby.
However, despite the change, and regardless of the number of hours I work, no
matter how many times I turn down request for social interaction with friends
because she would rather me play with her, sometimes she asks- "Momma, do
you love me? Are you happy? Do you love my heart?" These are actual things that she asks me.
It makes me feel sad, it makes my heart
ache. I am an anxious person, and I do become high energy at times. I sometimes
say things aloud that I should be more cautious of. So based on my experience,
here is a list of things that I do to show Autumn just how much I love her.
1. Play her games. Sometimes, she wants to do things that are
either a) destructive b) messy c) time consuming or d) annoying. At times, it's
all of the above. But I play along. I become her best friend. I sit down on the
floor and pretend that the dinosaurs are fighting the unicorns. She'll whisper
in my ear and "dare" me to do things, like "lick daddy’s hand
like a dog" or "hop like a bunny." Then I'll whisper in her ear
and tell her to tell her dad silly things or act like a puppy. Some days, she
wants to paint on every piece of paper that we have, and she wants me to paint,
too. I've gone for walks in the evening with her not realizing that I had blue
paint all over my legs. I've had to realize this: Things can be fixed. Messes can be
cleaned. Her time is more important than my time. Nothing she does should be
annoying. Especially that
last one. When she wants to play her chord organ and sing a song, I should be
embracing her creativity not telling her to turn it down because I don't want
to hear it.
2. Don't talk about her like she isn't
there. I know. There are times when I need to
talk to her dad about how she's behaving or things that I've noticed about her.
I also know that the hours that we are not directly in front of her are extremely limited. We co-sleep. We don't
have a set schedule for her sleeping. She hangs out with us at all times. She
doesn't get babysat. We have maybe a half hour between her going to sleep and
us going to sleep. So it's easy to start talking about her hyper activity or
how she was acting "terrible" at the party. I slip up and catch
myself telling him that "she's driving me crazy." Which, she really
does at times. But it hurts her feelings, and she hears it. I don't want her
growing up thinking that she's this being that doesn't have the right to be
upset that someone is talking badly about them. I know she isn't intentionally
trying to cause me to have a stroke. I know she isn't being mean or hurtful.
Nothing is wrong with her, something is wrong with me. I need to be more
patient, and I need to be more discreet. If we have concerns about her
behavior, we should discuss them away from her, so that she doesn’t'
misinterpret the conversation as if she is the bad one.
3. Spend time alone. People talk about it all the time when they've had pets for
a while before having kids. The baby is born and one of the parents is out
taking the dog for a walk to make sure they get "quality time" so
they don't feel left out. Well the same thing goes for kids. Even if they're an
only child, they need quality time with each parent. If there's just one
parent, quality time is even more important. Put the phone down, put the tablet
down, block out a time or scheduled date that is for just you two. Autumn gets
excited on Saturdays, and knows when it's Saturday because I'm home when she
wakes up. She knows we'll shower, get dressed, brush our hair & teeth together,
and do something together- even if it's just a walk to the park, or going to
Grandma's for dinner. We get up and spend the morning getting groomed together
and that quality time is so precious. It's something I can't do Monday through
Friday. Working 40+ hours a week doesn't make it easy to be a very active
parent, but I can sure as hell try.
4. Don't talk badly about yourself. This is so important. If you want her to grow up with
self-confidence and body positivity, don't let her see you doubt yourself.
Don't let her hear you insulting yourself. If you can insult yourself, she'll
see it as permission to insult herself. Let
her see you be happy in your skin, and sure of yourself. It's not always easy
to do, especially if you suffer from low self-esteem, but just remember, that
body made that gorgeous little girl, and it's the only body you have. We look
to our mother's as our inspiration for almost everything as we become women and
mother's. I don't recall my mother being negative about her body. I've been
pretty self-confident my whole life, even thru a 100+ pound weight gain because
of PCOS. I owe that to my mother. I hope I can pass this down to Autumn.
5. Tell her you love her. Constantly. Compliment her. Listen to her
stories and tell them back to her. Remember events and occasions with her.
Recall what funny things happened yesterday. Know her, and know when she is
sad. Encourage her by telling her she can do it. Be verbal. Not everyone can
pick up on silent cues or signs of affection. Sometimes things have to be
heard. Especially children. She doesn't understand that you hate working an
office job but it's the only way to give her a home, so you do it. She doesn't
understand that you didn't go out to a bar because she wanted to watch Beetleborgs
while you held her. She understands when you say "I love you with all my
heart" you are saying it to her.
