Confession: I'm fat, and I'm not sad about it.

I know, it's not really a confession. What I am confessing is that I am fat, and I'm not sad about it. Fat isn't an insult. It is  It is an accurate description. Do I feel ugly? No. Do I think I'm unworthy of things because of my size? No. But that hasn't always been the case. 

Recently, body positivity has been a hot topic. Oh how I wish it had happened 6-10 years ago when I was struggling with body image in high school! We need to keep it up, keep promoting body positivity! Stop telling women what they can and can't wear! Stop telling what colors, sizes, patterns, designs, lengths, or brands to wear! Now that I've accepted who I am, I've been able to see that all women are beautiful. I love seeing women comfortable in their own skin. I don't believe that there are shorts too short for certain sizes. I don't believe that crop tops are for skinny girls only. It's  hot as hell- wear what keeps you comfortable and cool! Confidence is beautiful. Kindness is beautiful. Being judgemental or vain is NOT beautiful. Being HATEFUL IS NOT BEAUTIFUL.

Here's a little information about my fat-ness.

I've been fat since high school.

I am definitely bigger now than I've ever been but I have to admit- I've never been more comfortable with who I am, until now.

When I was 100 lbs lighter I was still considered over weight but I was also bitter and jealous. Not only did I hate that my body wasn't like the smaller girls, I also hated the smaller girls for not being fat. I was ashamed of myself. I wore sweaters in the summer (which, if you're from Fresno, you know is suicidal) and I hid behind over sized clothes. Little did I know, 6 years later I'd give ANYTHING to be a size 14 again. I had been taught that my body was ugly and that I must be doing something wrong because I was big. That self hatred turned outwards and I started to hate anyone I thought was better looking- and by better looking, I mean thin.

What I didn't know was that at a size 14, I was physically healthy and mentally unhealthy. I was so obsessed with being "ugly" I didn't realize that I was actually in shape. At the time I was in three dance classes, in color guard, and an active mosh pit participant every weekend. I could run up stairs, I could dance for hours, I could fight, I could circle pit, I never felt that I was physically limited. However, I limited myself by being afraid of my size.

Now I'm a size 24 and I'm actually finding difficulties in doing the things I used to do. I'm unhealthy because I've been slacking. Why? Because in 2007 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Despite all the running and dancing I did, I was gaining what seemed like a pound a day. My mom became worried by senior year of high school, where the doctor diagnosed me with poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Since then I've been told, without the help of medication, it would be difficult for me to lose weight.

Because of this,  I gave up trying to be healthy for a while. I figured,  if I can't lose weight why would I kill myself trying? I finally realized that even though I wasn't going to be able to LOSE weight, I had to keep an effort to be HEALTHY and that size did not determine whether I was healthy or beautiful. 

This realization has also helped me become mentally healthy! I'm no longer envious of anyone else's body and I'm no longer hiding myself! If I want to swim, I am going to swim dammit! And no, I won't wear board shorts and a shirt because that shit is not comfortable to swim in!

I'm so proud that I can say - in a totally non sexual way- when a woman is effing gorgeous. I support women in all shapes sizes and colors. I support wearing a size 18 bikini or a size 20 crop top the same way I support a size 0 monokini and a size 4 crop top. I support your face full of amazing make up or your face with not a drop of moisturizer. I support your beautiful natural hair and your extensions! I love all of it! Women are strong, resilient, beautiful, & powerful! Why would I judge a women because her short shorts showed cellulite? Why would I be envious of the girl with ABS? They're both capable of being a valuable part of society and they're both beautiful!

Body positivity is more than being happy with the skin you're in. It's women being kind to one another. Not just fat women, but all women. It's  about loving yourself so you can appreciate what other women have to offer you.

Love yourself, so you can love others. Isn't that some cliché quote?

My favorite quote is about all of this is:

"One woman's beauty is not the lack of your own."
Ain't that the truth.
Love you ladies! You're all gorgeous!

Oh p.s. #effyourbeautystandards

5 Tips for Showing Your Daughter You Love Them.

I live for my daughter. I do. I have given up all of the reckless, selfish, really fun, parts of me from my past in order to become a mother and a positive influence for my daughter. I'm not saying I'm not a lot of fun now, because I am! I'm just not drunk dancing, late night beach trips, losing my shoes fun. I'm making play dough, making cakes, making crafts fun. But I don't hate it. I love it, actually. I felt like I had to shed the negative away to embrace this positive little being that was my baby. However, despite the change, and regardless of the number of hours I work, no matter how many times I turn down request for social interaction with friends because she would rather me play with her, sometimes she asks- "Momma, do you love me? Are you happy? Do you love my heart?" These are actual things that she asks me. 

It makes me feel sad, it makes my heart ache. I am an anxious person, and I do become high energy at times. I sometimes say things aloud that I should be more cautious of. So based on my experience, here is a list of things that I do to show Autumn just how much I love her.

1. Play her games. Sometimes, she wants to do things that are either a) destructive b) messy c) time consuming or d) annoying. At times, it's all of the above. But I play along. I become her best friend. I sit down on the floor and pretend that the dinosaurs are fighting the unicorns. She'll whisper in my ear and "dare" me to do things, like "lick daddy’s hand like a dog" or "hop like a bunny." Then I'll whisper in her ear and tell her to tell her dad silly things or act like a puppy. Some days, she wants to paint on every piece of paper that we have, and she wants me to paint, too. I've gone for walks in the evening with her not realizing that I had blue paint all over my legs. I've had to realize this: Things can be fixed. Messes can be cleaned. Her time is more important than my time. Nothing she does should be annoying. Especially that last one. When she wants to play her chord organ and sing a song, I should be embracing her creativity not telling her to turn it down because I don't want to hear it.

2. Don't talk about her like she isn't there. I know. There are times when I need to talk to her dad about how she's behaving or things that I've noticed about her. I also know that the hours that we are not directly in front of her are extremely limited. We co-sleep. We don't have a set schedule for her sleeping. She hangs out with us at all times. She doesn't get babysat. We have maybe a half hour between her going to sleep and us going to sleep. So it's easy to start talking about her hyper activity or how she was acting "terrible" at the party. I slip up and catch myself telling him that "she's driving me crazy." Which, she really does at times. But it hurts her feelings, and she hears it. I don't want her growing up thinking that she's this being that doesn't have the right to be upset that someone is talking badly about them. I know she isn't intentionally trying to cause me to have a stroke. I know she isn't being mean or hurtful. Nothing is wrong with her, something is wrong with me. I need to be more patient, and I need to be more discreet. If we have concerns about her behavior, we should discuss them away from her, so that she doesn’t' misinterpret the conversation as if she is the bad one.

3. Spend time alone. People talk about it all the time when they've had pets for a while before having kids. The baby is born and one of the parents is out taking the dog for a walk to make sure they get "quality time" so they don't feel left out. Well the same thing goes for kids. Even if they're an only child, they need quality time with each parent. If there's just one parent, quality time is even more important. Put the phone down, put the tablet down, block out a time or scheduled date that is for just you two. Autumn gets excited on Saturdays, and knows when it's Saturday because I'm home when she wakes up. She knows we'll shower, get dressed, brush our hair & teeth together, and do something together- even if it's just a walk to the park, or going to Grandma's for dinner. We get up and spend the morning getting groomed together and that quality time is so precious. It's something I can't do Monday through Friday. Working 40+ hours a week doesn't make it easy to be a very active parent, but I can sure as hell try. 

4. Don't talk badly about yourself.  This is so important. If you want her to grow up with self-confidence and body positivity, don't let her see you doubt yourself. Don't let her hear you insulting yourself. If you can insult yourself, she'll see it as permission to insult herself. Let her see you be happy in your skin, and sure of yourself. It's not always easy to do, especially if you suffer from low self-esteem, but just remember, that body made that gorgeous little girl, and it's the only body you have. We look to our mother's as our inspiration for almost everything as we become women and mother's. I don't recall my mother being negative about her body. I've been pretty self-confident my whole life, even thru a 100+ pound weight gain because of PCOS. I owe that to my mother. I hope I can pass this down to Autumn.

5. Tell her you love her. Constantly. Compliment her. Listen to her stories and tell them back to her. Remember events and occasions with her. Recall what funny things happened yesterday. Know her, and know when she is sad. Encourage her by telling her she can do it. Be verbal. Not everyone can pick up on silent cues or signs of affection. Sometimes things have to be heard. Especially children. She doesn't understand that you hate working an office job but it's the only way to give her a home, so you do it. She doesn't understand that you didn't go out to a bar because she wanted to watch Beetleborgs while you held her. She understands when you say "I love you with all my heart" you are saying it to her.