Confession: I'm fat, and I'm not sad about it.

I know, it's not really a confession. What I am confessing is that I am fat, and I'm not sad about it. Fat isn't an insult. It is  It is an accurate description. Do I feel ugly? No. Do I think I'm unworthy of things because of my size? No. But that hasn't always been the case. 

Recently, body positivity has been a hot topic. Oh how I wish it had happened 6-10 years ago when I was struggling with body image in high school! We need to keep it up, keep promoting body positivity! Stop telling women what they can and can't wear! Stop telling what colors, sizes, patterns, designs, lengths, or brands to wear! Now that I've accepted who I am, I've been able to see that all women are beautiful. I love seeing women comfortable in their own skin. I don't believe that there are shorts too short for certain sizes. I don't believe that crop tops are for skinny girls only. It's  hot as hell- wear what keeps you comfortable and cool! Confidence is beautiful. Kindness is beautiful. Being judgemental or vain is NOT beautiful. Being HATEFUL IS NOT BEAUTIFUL.

Here's a little information about my fat-ness.

I've been fat since high school.

I am definitely bigger now than I've ever been but I have to admit- I've never been more comfortable with who I am, until now.

When I was 100 lbs lighter I was still considered over weight but I was also bitter and jealous. Not only did I hate that my body wasn't like the smaller girls, I also hated the smaller girls for not being fat. I was ashamed of myself. I wore sweaters in the summer (which, if you're from Fresno, you know is suicidal) and I hid behind over sized clothes. Little did I know, 6 years later I'd give ANYTHING to be a size 14 again. I had been taught that my body was ugly and that I must be doing something wrong because I was big. That self hatred turned outwards and I started to hate anyone I thought was better looking- and by better looking, I mean thin.

What I didn't know was that at a size 14, I was physically healthy and mentally unhealthy. I was so obsessed with being "ugly" I didn't realize that I was actually in shape. At the time I was in three dance classes, in color guard, and an active mosh pit participant every weekend. I could run up stairs, I could dance for hours, I could fight, I could circle pit, I never felt that I was physically limited. However, I limited myself by being afraid of my size.

Now I'm a size 24 and I'm actually finding difficulties in doing the things I used to do. I'm unhealthy because I've been slacking. Why? Because in 2007 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Despite all the running and dancing I did, I was gaining what seemed like a pound a day. My mom became worried by senior year of high school, where the doctor diagnosed me with poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Since then I've been told, without the help of medication, it would be difficult for me to lose weight.

Because of this,  I gave up trying to be healthy for a while. I figured,  if I can't lose weight why would I kill myself trying? I finally realized that even though I wasn't going to be able to LOSE weight, I had to keep an effort to be HEALTHY and that size did not determine whether I was healthy or beautiful. 

This realization has also helped me become mentally healthy! I'm no longer envious of anyone else's body and I'm no longer hiding myself! If I want to swim, I am going to swim dammit! And no, I won't wear board shorts and a shirt because that shit is not comfortable to swim in!

I'm so proud that I can say - in a totally non sexual way- when a woman is effing gorgeous. I support women in all shapes sizes and colors. I support wearing a size 18 bikini or a size 20 crop top the same way I support a size 0 monokini and a size 4 crop top. I support your face full of amazing make up or your face with not a drop of moisturizer. I support your beautiful natural hair and your extensions! I love all of it! Women are strong, resilient, beautiful, & powerful! Why would I judge a women because her short shorts showed cellulite? Why would I be envious of the girl with ABS? They're both capable of being a valuable part of society and they're both beautiful!

Body positivity is more than being happy with the skin you're in. It's women being kind to one another. Not just fat women, but all women. It's  about loving yourself so you can appreciate what other women have to offer you.

Love yourself, so you can love others. Isn't that some cliché quote?

My favorite quote is about all of this is:

"One woman's beauty is not the lack of your own."
Ain't that the truth.
Love you ladies! You're all gorgeous!

Oh p.s. #effyourbeautystandards

Hello, Tantrum Three's.

When Autumn started walking I exclaimed loudly that my life just got a million times harder. I was told it was just the beginning. 
When Autumn first yelled "No!" at something I had asked her to do, or rather, not do, I shook my head and laughed.
When Autumn started to refuse to do anything but the opposite that we asked of her, I was introduced to the terrible two's. 

Just last week, a month before her third birthday, I become fully aware of TANTRUM THREE'S.

Holy Hell.

I remember when I was pregnant and I would see kids crying in the shopping cart, chair, floor, wherever, and thinking "I'll never let my kid cry like that. I'll just hold her and she'll stop." 

Yeah. Right.

The first time she threw a tantrum went like this:

Autumn open's the hallway closet and see's her collectible retro toys. 
*pointing to the top shelf*
Autumn: "Daddy daddy daddy daddy gimme my toys!"
Daddy: "Ok Autumn, give me a second, my hands are full."
Autumn: *throws self on floor* *starts kicking floor* *screaming*
Daddy: *looks at me*
Me: *looks at him*
Me: "Autumn, get up, come here, he didn't even say no! Come here, come play with your toys."
Autumn: *kicking* *screaming*
Me: "Aw, come here Autumn." *giggle* "Let me hold you. Calm down, it's ok!"

That's when I learned my lesson. 

I reached down to pick her up and she bit my arm, spit on me, and then continued to scream.

A few explicitives later, I sat down on the couch, open pinterest, and ignored her. 

Ten minutes later, she crawled on the couch, cuddled under my arm while holding her toys like a baby, and that was that.

Now, this phase should be fun. It'll test every last nerve that I have. I know I can ignore it, but I can't ignore it in public. Which happened the night before 4th of July. Except this time it was at a water park, after dark, and in the restroom. The waterpark announced the fireworks, and of course, we have to go to the bathroom. So Autumn and I head over there and as we walk in the bathroom the fireworks start to go off. Autumn gets so scared that she begins to army crawl under the stalls on the nasty wet bathroom floor and then locks herself in the stall. This continues for quite some time until, like the great parent I am, I scared her by telling her a monster was in the toilet. Once she got out she was so dirty that I stuck her whole body in the sink and used hand soap to clean her off. By the time I was done, everyone was leaving the park and the fireworks were over.

Needless to say, I was over her at that point. 

There's about half a dozen other crazy moments she's had in the past week, but I'm exhausted from being up all night, because obviously her new sleeping schedule has her awake all night, so I won't go into it. 

We're having a rough patch, apparently. 
I just want sleep.
and more sleep.

Things I've learned being a full time working mom.

Working 40 hours a week when all you want to do is crafts with your toddler sucks. 

Working a 5 day a week job sucks. 

Waiting for a weekend sucks. 

Adulting sucks.

Things I've learned while raising a toddler and working full time:

1. Sometimes you're going to feel like a terrible parent because  you will come home completely drained, and even though  you've thought about getting home to your baby all day, you will instantly be annoyed by their need for attention. You won't  notice that you're doing it, but by dismissing their feelings, you're being a jerk. But I don't blame you! It's  hard. Especially if you deal with fixing problems or customer service. You just want a break, and want someone to fix YOUR problems for once. Yeah, I catch myself and remind myself that this tiny little human wants to be around me and loves me regardless. Then I feel horrible for being irritated at this beautiful little monster. But it's normal. I've talked to other working mamma's and they've experienced this,  also. It's  rough, and the worst part is, people I actually don't care about got the best of me, whereas my daughter gets the burned out grumpy version of me.

2. You'll have days at home when you think to yourself "work sounds nice." Even if you spent all week wanting to cry at the thought of having to stay at work a minute longer. You'll remember that work has free air conditioning and a break room where people generally leave you alone,  at least for a little bit. Unlike home, where there is no place to hide. Not even the bathroom!

3. I wish I could ditch like I did in high school. In high school I would wake up with full intent on going to school until a friend would call or text me with a better proposal. Then I'd decide to ditch school for fun. Well some mornings I have all intentions of going to work but then Autumn wakes up and wants to do something fun, like we did on "Saturday." My heart hurts each time I have to tell her no, because of money. If I don't go to work, rent is not paid. It's  a bummer, and I wish I could stay home all of the days to have fun, but I'm so worried about not having the patience for it.

4. Planning for the weekend all week long ends with a very busy weekend, which are a lot of fun, but also very exhausting. I  feel so suffocated all week long in this office building that I plan for days out for the weekends but I have  to learn to schedule time for relaxation, too. If I don't, I end up burned out and even more dreadful of Monday.

5. I do get every holiday off, which is nice, however, I don't ever have enough time to plan for said holidays. Very annoying for someone who likes to get creative with the gift baskets and wrapping paper. I like to make things extra special and magical. Having the DAY off for a holiday really does nothing for me. So I start to get my holiday planning way ahead of time! I've  been planning Autumn's birthday since January, even though  it's  in July, because I won't  have enough weekends to put everything together myself in just the month of July. But seriously, holiday's really aren't all that great when you know you won't be home the day after Christmas to play with your kid and all the stuff Santa brought them. Instead I'll  be at work talking to people who have nothing  better to do but call customer service the day after Christmas. Usually, they're bitter about something or being alone. Like me. Because I am at work. Dealing with them. IT'S HORRIBLE.

I've probably learned a lot more since I started working full time on a regular 9-5 shift, but I think these are most important. I feel like I miss out on so much. However, a good paying job with an unfinished psychogy degree is rarely found without working in retail or fast food. It's very frustrating. I need to make a living, but I want to be close to my daughter. I have to pay the bills but I'm afraid I will end up showing my daughter that I sacrifice my goals and passions  for money. It's  a very complicated situation but for now, I just have to keep on keeping on.

Wisdom Wednesday- Live & Let Live.

When you see/hear/read something that doesn't fit into your personal mold of normal, ask your self these questions prior to making a negative comment, thought,  or judgement:

1.Does this affect me personally?
2. Is this hurting any individuals who are unable to protect themselves?
3. Is anyone going to be physically or emotionally impacted that is unable to defend themselves?

If your answers are no- stay the hell out of it.

Now I'm not saying a little political debate is terrible, because you best believe I'm one of the first people to jump in on an intense political debate.  What I am saying is this- live and let live.

If you don't think gay marriage deserves equal rights, that's fine. I may argue why it does deserve equal rights, but I'm probably not going to persuade you otherwise, so I won't invest much emotion into it. However, if you become rude or emotionally abusive towards those in the LGBTQ community, you've crossed a line from being a human with opinions, to being an asshole.

Because guess what? A gay man getting married to another man does not physically harm you, nor does it affect anyone else. Someone else's love is not the lack of your own, is it? So being hurtful does nothing but promote negativity.

This example can be applied to so many different scenarios. 

The plus sized woman wearing shorts that you consider "too short for a woman that size" isn't hurting a damn person by staying cool. 
The parent giving their child organic or non organic that irritates you for either being a hipster/careless- doesn't deserve any type of response from someone who IS NOT THAT CHILD'S PARENT.

I get it, we all have opinions, but an opinion is NOT the same as an insult. The internet gives bullies a way to hide behind a screen and throw text bullets at other people's self esteem, but it isn't only online. Jerks are everywhere, and they feel like anything outside of THEIR norm is wrong, and that these people should feel bad for being "wrong." It's an epidemic of negativity but what I don't understand is if it is not harming you or your loved ones why the *eff* does it matter? I reiterate- let's all just live our lives and let other's live theirs!

Do you all have any other examples of things people get worked up about that have *zero* effect on them?

Toddler Tuesday- The Importance of Family.

"Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten." -Lilo & Stitch.

Teaching a toddler the importance of family is an essential to building a child's sense of security and keeping them grounded. It's something to instill in them so that they have a sense of pride and loyalty.

I do understand there are certain situations where this doesn't apply. There are certain situations where your friends become your family, and even then, this same principle applies.

This being said, our family is hectic. We are not your average family and by no means are we normal. However, Autumn will know her family always has her back, and in return she will always be there to catch her cousins when they fall, or to help Grandma when she needs it. Because that is what family does.

This weekend she got to see her family on my side quite a bit. More than usual, since she got to see both my maternal and paternal sides of the family. I want to continue taking her around them so she can understand that they are the firsts people who will be permanent in her life. Before the friends and the crushes - she had family.

Do any of you struggle with keeping family close with your little ones?